First of soon to be many..

This is my first post even though im writing i still feel nervous this is the first time im going to really let people into my head.  I hope people will benefit from this blog and know there not alone even when we feel very alone.  ever since our baby was diagnosed with trisomy 18 of course my life has changed but not the way everyone might think, I started looking at everything and everyone differently what use to easily upset me i now brush off like "psssh thats not important," I look at my little girls differently they are so precious and i enjoy every moment with them unfortunately my oldest daughter Kairi i only see on the weekends,breaks and holidays  i moved to new jersey and she lives and goes to school in NYC i get a lot of flack for that  my family saying "why would i do that?" "that could never be me" all types of different comments at first it use to bother me but now what i realized is there not in my shoes so if they don't understand well....hey but i understand... as long as Kairi is happy and knows that i am here  whenever she needs me im happy with that, which brings me back to my pregnancy Im 31 weeks pregnant im so thankful i made it this far i still have a long way to go but i am ready.  Being pregnant with a trisomy 18 baby is scary i didn't believe it at first i thought there test were wrong but reality set in when the amniocentesis came back positive for Trisomy 18, i didn't even know what that was i surely wasn't expecting what i was about to encounter online.


Trisomy 18 is a  Genetic chromosome disorder the human is made up of 46 chromosomes  we get 23 chromosome from our mothers and 23 chromosome from our fathers, apparently each parent starts off with 2 of each chromosome when conception happens 1 chromosome is dropped from each parent making it 46 all together, In my babies case that didn't happen in the 18th chromosome instead of having two she has 3 18 chromosomes so instead of having 46 she has 47 chromosomes which throws off everything, your probably confused i know i sure was.  Trisomy 18 babies are considered  "incompatible with life" the problems are so severe they usually don't make it after birth and some live for no longer then a year now there are very few cases where the children are alive but there mentally retarded, have trach's to help them breathe,digestive issues etc. its a lot too much to list. When i read this i was so freaked out like how could this be happening to me it felt unreal, The doctors gave me my opinions i could either terminate the pregnancy or continue with the pregnancy i didn't know what to do i leaned on my fiancee for his opinion on what we should do we talked and talked and talked some more as we spoke we both realized we couldn't take continuing a pregnancy knowing we could possibly lose our baby in the end  for me the worse part would've been having a baby with special needs i wouldn't know what to do it was too much to digest,  I spoke to  my mom she automatically lost it like i told her her baby was sick lol she didn't like the idea of termination and felt if i prayed hard enough god would change it but i felt if god wanted to change it he would've changed it before i even knew i was pregnant and thats not to say i don't believe god can do miracles i know he can i just didn't think he would do it for me, After talking to my mom she realized at the end of the day it was Kevin's and my decision so she left  it up to us.

One day we would agree to terminate the next day it changed to keeping the baby we didn't know what to do, a thought came to me we need to meet with our pastor i brushed it off cause i knew he would say "god has a plan he knows everything thats to come" and i would've said "ok can you tell him to tell me whats going to happen so i know in advance" i already knew the answer to that NO...about a week went by i finally decided to send my pastor a email, we set a meeting up with him at the time Kevin and i decided to terminate and wanted our pastors blessing in our decision, we were amped like "i got your back" we going in there like "this is our decision and we sticking to it"...... so didn't happen like that starting with me i said i wasn't sure what we wanted to do to myself im saying "yes u do" but those words weren't coming out, it was my fiancees turn to talk he started crying which i expected because before that he wasn't showing much emotion he's talking then out of nowhere he says " i want us to continue the pregnancy" in my mind im like NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! now i know that was fear talking, fear of having to face the inevitable not knowing what was going to happen i felt i could take back control by terminating but as we continued talking with our pastor i realized that wasn't the case, he told us he would support us either way but one way wasnt better then the other if i terminated early i would always wonder "what if" and that would eat me up, i also realized what if god is doing this to deliver me from something what if something good was to come out of all this or what if i was being punished all i knew was terminating was saying i didn't have faith in god which i did for  my normal situations you know "damn i don't have my car insurance this month im not worried god will work it out for me" but this was something i didn't have faith he would change, despite what i felt inside i went along with kevin and decided to keep the baby i was 22 weeks then.  Today i am 31 weeks pregnant and so grateful for my fiancee and 100% my Pastor Tyrone Stevenson the support system is amazing i have support from people i've never even met just speak to on the phone or through email i am learning so much about me, honestly i was a negative thinker always felt people do stuff for other people cause they want something in return but i feel like im changing into a passionate, caring, loving, understanding person and i love it well thats it for today i think u guys are up to speed for the most part until tomorrow stay blessed and motivated.