Thursday, July 25, 2013

1 year angelversary Going down memory lane

Today for most of the day I watched the clock replaying every hour of this day last year what we were doing what was going on.  Right now at 7:11pm my house was packed with family and it was just surreal Hannah had passed away about 3 hrs ago and I couldn't believe what had happened we just lost our baby not something I ever thought I would experience. Why would I?  It's not natural but what I have learned in this past year is in this life Un-natural things happen.  I am still thankful because I knew what I was walking into but what about those parents or loved ones who were expected nothing but the best for their child.  I constantly think about those 25 children who were killed in sandy hook last year, I just couldn't rap my mind around it I was upset with God not for Hannah I understood what was going to happen it wasn't a matter of why me?  Or Why not me? Hannah was a blessing and  Despite what the doctors said before she was born it was she might not make it through the whole pregnancy my girl made it and was 2 weeks overdue, then it was she might not make through the delivery and my baby girl "did that" as Tamar Braxton would say.

  Hannah proved them wrong she gave us 10 weeks more then we expected.  I always told her as long as she fought I would continue fighting with her but whenever she felt she was tired of fighting it was ok. When the day came I wasn't ready to stop fighting My body was tired from lack of sleep and not eating on right but my heart and spirit had so much more fight in it she was worth  every second, minute and hour that  I didn't sleep spending time with her was so worth it.  Last year was the hardest year of kevin's and my life it started way before Hannah was born. In January Kevin had lost his job 3 months before Hannah was due to be born, We didn't know what to do, we have our at the time 11 month old daughter  and Kairi who was 8 but we only had her on the weekends so we have responsibilities. We were able to stay a float for a month after that things started going down hill we were behind in rent we were behind in all our bills.

Less then 2 weeks before Hannah's original due date (which was may 3rd) We got evictions papers and our landlord did not want to hear our sad story he wanted his place so someone else could move in and pay his rent.  We sat down and try to figure out what our next move was.  Kev's mom was helping us financially but she has her own bills and underage son to take care of she was a great help without her we would have sunk before we even floated.  We went to our local Public Assistance Office to find out what help we could get, they told us they would pay the landlord the money we owed and continue paying the rent, Kevin and I spoke to the landlord he wasn't interested in having PA pay the rent.  Went back to PA they told us our next option was to try and get an extension from the landlord and find a place before the eviction day.

Can you imagine being 8 1/2 months pregnant looking for an apartment, some days my feet would swell up so bad kevin would have to go see apartments without me. We had no luck it was either it was too small or it didn't fit into the budget PA gave us.  We were told if we couldn't find a place we would have to move into a shelter now I've never been in a shelter but from what I've seen in movies it was not a place we wanted to be in.  about 3 days before our due date we found a place THANK GOD! I was so relieved. I thought the day after we moved in my water was gonna break but nothing days went by and nothing until they had to induce about 12 days after my due date.

The first few days were so scary I couldn't sleep the NICU nurses were always kicking me out to get some sleep and the nurses who were assigned my room could never find me to do my blood pressure or give me my pain meds I was always in the NICU,I wan't worried about me i was fine.  those 3 days went by so quickly I wished I had a c-section so I could've stayed in the hospital longer but they discharged me early afternoon but I didn't leave that hospital until late that night I didn't want to leave her.  I was so scared they would call with bad news the first night I slept with the phone right next to my hear and called about every hour or I was annoying but didn't care lol.

It was hard even more for Kevin because he was in school to renew his EMT license and I remember being mad at him because he chose to go back to school in the middle of everything that was going on I didn't want him to miss out time with her but he had to do it to get back to work the longer he prolonged it the longer he was out of work.  Our first schedule was crazy we would wake up early Kevin would drop me off at the hospital then go back home with Leah,  It's a lot to ask a 1 year old to just hang around all day while mommy takes care of another baby so we decided to do it this way.  around 4pm kevin would come get me,  he had school, after school he would go spend time with Hannah he would do the overnight with her next day we would do it all over again.

One day I was talking with the Palliative care person Sue and she asked where Kevin was I explained how we had to do it since we had a little one at home she suggested we look into the hospital daycare I didn't even know they had a daycare in the hospital i called and got the info we couldn't afford it, it as $15 an hour i spent about 6 to 7 hours a day at the hospital that would be about $500 a week we sure didn't have that.  This is when I knew God was with us, she came into my room and said kevin and I should be spending time with Hannah together, she told me to meet her the next day and to bring Leah. The next day we both came in together with Leah, Sue took us down to the daycare spoke to the women I don't know what they spoke about but next thing I know I was registering leah into their daycare I was so thankful for sue she was our Angel through this she really became a friend to us.

Things were a little smoother we got up ate breakfast and went  straight to the hospital spent the day with Hannah while leah was in daycare we got to spent time with her together.  Leah loved going to daycare so it was easy on us.  I was so happy when the nurses came in and said Hannah began to know when we were there or not she was a different baby when we were around she content and calm but when we weren't around she was  fussy, so that put pressure on me I didn't want her crying and feeling alone so kevin and I would take turns doing the night shift we made it that she was only alone for a few hours when kevin had to go to school and i had to be home with Leah.  Either kev or I would stay with her at night.  We were always with her thats one of my most cherished thing knowing that she was never alone and even when we couldn't be there someone was there with her.  I remember there was this girl name Alicia she was a volunteer at Hackensack she had such a wonderful spirit and she fell in love with Hannah she would always come in 3-4 times a day to check on Hannah, sit and hold her if she was putting the nurses to work she was like our eyes when we weren't their.  she left before Hannah passed away I wish i knew her last name or something she was just great and we never really got to thank her.

Hannah was a blessed baby she was loved by family and family we gained through this journey.  Today started off down it was gloomy outside, and I wasn't in the mood.  Kev had to work this morning so we didn't do anything for Hannah I wanted the day to be as normal as possible.  I wasn't going to blog but I decided to blog about whatever came to my mind about last year and I am so happy I did as i remembered her all I can do is smile, It's not easy I miss her beyond words and every time I look at my girls playing together I am always reminded that one is missing but Hannah is in my heart I look at her pictures every day and look forward to seeing my love again.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Happy 1st Birthday Hannah!!!

Yesterday was my dear angel's 1st birthday.  I close my eyes and try to imagine how she would look or what she would be doing, what I see is her perfect little face smiling.  For Hannah's birthday I couldn't decide on what I wanted the family to do. Kev and I talked about different idea and with the help of Kairi (my oldest) we planned the day.  The plan was we would get up early go buy all the ingredients and equipment to bake a cake, come home bake the cake pretty it up and leave it for later, have lunch and go to the park let the kids run play and enjoy the beautiful weather, come home have dinner sing happy birthday, cut cake, and talk about Hannah for the rest of the night while looking at her pictures. Perfect day right? (how our day really went)

We woke up 2 hr later than we were suppose too, continued with plans we went to Walmart got all our supplies cake mix, baking pans, icing, etc.   On our way home I noticed Kairi kept itching her eyes I told her I didn't think that was a good idea .  We got home around 2pm  her eyes were red, irritated and swollen, we gave her some allergy medication and a cool compress to sooth her eyes I went to see how she was doing she was sound asleep that was at 3pm then my little one decided she too wanted to sleep. So it was just kevin and I we talked about Hannah watched a movie and in 2 hrs the kids were awake well leah woke up about 40 minutes after her nap but Kairi was passed out.  Once both the girls were awake we started on the cake, that was fun this was the first time in a very long time that i made a cake a lot of laughs Kairi is the pro with baking cakes her grandmother and her bake cakes all the time, Kairi was the head baker and i was the assistant and leah was the taster.  We made a 2 layer french vanilla cake with purple icing and we wrote "Happy 1st Birthday" it looked and tasted really good I was proud of us. Once that was done it was time for dinner, we set the table kevin prayed  and before we ate i wanted all of us to say Happy birthday to Hannah and speak of a memory with Hannah we all did of course Kevin's made me tear up a little with his but it felt so talking about my baby girl even though we talk about her very often.

We sang Happy birthday and blew out her candle this morning everyone was stuffed from dinner last night and i wasn't feeling too well so i didn't push it.  Our day was spent the way it was suppose to be with us together what we had planned didn't matter as long as we were together and remembering our Angel. Hannah is someone we could never forget even though she was here for 10 weeks she has changed my life,  so many others who were around her who believes her life changed there lives. Yesterday  wasn't a sad day last year may16th 2012 my daughter was alive and fighting, It was and forever will be one of the happiest days of my life and i will treat it as so. Next year it will be better i wont be sick and can do more the way i wanted too.  HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY HANNAH!!!  We love you so much. You are forever in our hearts, soul and mind.

Happy 1st Birthday Hannah!!!!

The girls blowing out the candle.

My little Angel I love you so much


Friday, January 25, 2013

Happy 6 Month Angelversary

 Happy New Years, Wow 6 months!!!!!  sure doesn't feel like 6 months has pasted but it doesn't feel like it was yesterday either, it feels like yesterday she was born.  I remember every detail of Hannah's birth but her passing is a fuzzy.... I do remember it but i like to remember her living.  Hannah would've been 8 months old last week, I always wonder how she would look or what would she be doing now, at the same time i wonder with her having trisomy 18 would she be breathing on her own? or have a tracheotomy?, would we still be in the hospital debating wither or not we should pursue with surgery, I guess these questions and thoughts will always be with me.  6 months later i still question kevin and myself if we made the right decision not to intervene and let her go, kevin always reminds me of the life we wanted for Hannah, not the life Trisomy 18 was trying to put on our her... that helps me so much because i know i didn't want her on a vent or a trach if she couldn't do it on her own then I wasn't gonna push her and be selfish. Then i start thinking about how much i miss her and that i would do or give anything just to hold her, kiss her and watch her grow with her sisters thats when my selfishness comes in, in the end i  know i made the right decision for Hannah. I  left it up to God and Hannah to make the decisions because of that majority of the time im at peace with my choice.  Only every now and then i question it.

SO this weekend is a very special weekend for me, this weekend i am in Maryland i am here for a peer minister training course as some of you guys know when i was pregnant with Hannah i met a very special women named Cubby i originally met her through my/ Hannah's cardiologist, she has a organization called Isaiah's Promise named after her son who passed away very young due to an illness many years ago.  From the beginning our spirits took each other, we talked, she gave me advice and answered all the questions I had, and reminded me everyday that regardless of the outcome i am strong.  Her organization sent us such beautiful keepsakes for Hannah, her blessing gown, motivational cards, prayers shawls for me and the girls, games for the girls etc. Cubby was such a blessing in my life and after Hannah passed away I decided I wanted to continue giving that blessing to other families who are gonna be on this journey.   I have to be trained before I can start doing anything so tomorrow i am going to training, I am so excited and nervous but i know this is my calling and it will be great  :-).
 Later on that evening kevin and I are going to the fundraiser they are having yay!!! I feel so honored to be doing this training and being apart of something so special and important especially a day after Hannah's angelversary i feel like its meant to be I hope Hannah is looking down and is proud of me, without her i wouldn't even know anything about trisomy 18 or wanting to help others get through losing child.  I thank her for changing me for the better, for making me a better women, mom, friend, everything.

Theres so much more to update about but i want blog to be mostly about Hannah, I am going to try blogging more often its therapeutic and who knows somewhere down the line this can help another family.  I thank God for this journey at first it couldn't understand why me? but now i realize why not me? i'm not perfect and also realized its not about me its about someone else, about the next family or single mom who is going to need me or need my testimony....  I thank all those who take the time out to read these post.

lounging around one of our enjoyable days home

Hannahs favorite spot other than my chest lol

my Hannah Banna 

Daddy and daughter time

Hannah Happy 6 month Angelversary you are forever in my heart, your daddies heart, sisters heart and all those hearts you touched in 2 months and continue to touch.  Continue watching over us and with Gods hand continue guiding us on to the right path I love you beyond words.....until we meet again my angel.

Sunday, September 16, 2012


  I was reading a blog posting from another mom whose daughter has trisomy 18, she was talking about her daughter getting her shots and not being able to protect her from the pain all she could do was  comfort her while she was in pain by holding her close letting her know mommy was there. She knew her daughter needed these shots but wanting to spare her from the pain, not wanting her daughter to ever wonder why mommy just stood there and let them hurt me. I so understand what this mom meant i use to feel the same way every time the doctors came in to do some procedure on Hannah or when i use to look at her little  heel and she had so many little scars from them sticking her heel for blood, I knew she needed to have her blood drawn and the different procedures to make sure her levels were all good but Hannah didn't understand that, It use to break my heart i knew she needs these things done but i hated seeing her in pain so i made it my job to always comfort her as any parent would want to do for there child.   This mom used her story to show how God feels when we are in pain, he cant prevent it but He will comfort us, swaddle us, rock us in his arms and let us know everything will be alright. Through this i have felt God comfort me and let me know everything will be alright. I continued reading her post she wrote about when she was younger and immature   she would blaming God asking "How could God allow this to Happen? What did i do to deserve this? man o man how familiar but my questions to god weren't exactly the same mines were "is God punishing me for past mistakes?  Did God take Hannah because i failed in some way? as i continued reading she reminded me that God doesn't work like that (which i know) He is a caring and compassionate god who's son SUFFERED and DIED for us. For me that blew my mind as i thought about it it hit me  God knows what i'm feeling He watch his only begotten son be tortured,brutalized and murdered.

 God is not punishing me Hannah could never be a punishment my time with her has blessed me in so many ways, she changed me for the better.  I believe her job on earth was to bring me closer to God, my family and to bring me out of my shell. How did she bring me out my shell?  I had to talk to people, I had to express my feeling (which is something i didn't do) use my words and make sure i was being heard. I realized to get through my pregnancy with Hannah i would have to express my opinion and what i wanted for Hannah so i did, i also realized if i was gonna go through this i needed support, i needed words to help me when i felt overwhelmed or was facing the impossible and God delivered this through his word and through the people he brought in my life.

Today Hannah would of been 4 months I smile and my heart aches a little  when i say that i wonder what new things she would've been doing, I also wonder where would we be today would she be home? would we still be in the hospital?  Guess it doesn't matter anymore what i do know for sure is Hannah is at peace and is a  happy baby.  Days like today always make me feel...i don't want to say blue but i miss her extra hard on days like today and i haven't even come across the real hard ones 6mos, 1 year bday, 1 year anniversary in heaven etc.  Today kevin and i were talking about Hannah and he said "Hannah was his heart" before i could ask why? he continuing saying his mom told him that is  probably because Hannah looks like me as to why she had his heart i thought that was cute. Today we stayed home and spent extra time together Kairi wanted to watch another family movie so we watched "the Smurfs" while we ate dinner Kairi's choice was Hot dogs with Veggie baked beans yesterday we watched "Hop" which was a funny movie  while we ate Chicken Alfredo, noodles and broccoli it was a great day and weekend.
Kairi doesn't have school tomorrow and Tuesday,  I'm HAPPY when she has extra days off thats more time with me since i don't have her during the week (for now) so i love the extra time.




Friday, September 7, 2012

September Already...

On Wednesday Kev and I went back to Hackensack University Hospital to meet up with Sue and Dr. Beversdorf (palliative care) to pick up my necklace they ordered for me,  the necklace is unique because the pendent has Hannah's actually footprint on it, a engraved message on the back it says "Hannah our Beloved Angel." and the color of her birthstone.  All necklaces are made special for each little angel.  I couldn't wait to put mines on and show everyone, Im never taking it off, well except for showers of course.  I didn't know when kev and i decided to name this blog "FootPrints of Hannah" that Hannah's footprints would be the center of everything, Her footprints is everywhere in our life we have clay molded footprints in our living room, our bedroom has her pink painted footprint in a mom frame now I have my necklace.  It helps me feel a little closer to her and to always keep her in my view.
After we finished catching up with the ladies we decided to go over to see the PICU nurses and doctors who helped take care of Hannah, As i got off the elevator i felt a lot of anxiety my heart was racing, As we walked I spotted Hannah's old room its right in front the nurses desk so there was no running from it  it was so hard to look in that room (of course it wasn't her room anymore a new patient was in there) all the memories came back a lot of good some bad of course the day she passed is the most recent memory. I remembered her little pointer finger how she would use it to grab at her nasal or CPAP or to hold your finger I loved when she did that, i remembered the way she would stick out her tongue when she was hungry looking for something to suck on..... I remember those big bright eyes.
We got to see some of the nurses and most of the doctors unfortunately we didn't get to see the nurse who took care of Hannah until the end Danielle her last day was tuesday she moved away :-(, she was so compassionate to kevin, Hannah and myself she stayed with us and seen everything through, she took care of Hannah like she was her own even after Hannah passed she continued talking to Hannah and taking care of her i will never forget her and what she did, I just wish i could've thanked her the way I wanted too.

This hangs in our dining room (sorry for the glare)
The days are going so quickly, I cant believe we're in September already. Kairi started the 3rd grade she's getting so big and so mature, Im truly a proud parent.  As i'm sitting here writing this i'm watching my two girls laughing and playing with each other I thank God for these moments i thank Him for two healthy beautiful girls a big part of me wishing Hannah was here in my arms with me as I watch them play but that little part of me knows she had to go her time here was done.

About two days ago my little sister called me and told me the best news I had in some time our 2 cousins that we've been looking for for over 10 years contacted her on facebook they've been looking for us and decided to make a facebook hoping to find us AND IT WORKED!!  I was so excited when she told me this I couldn't wait to talk to them.  When my brother,sister and i  were kids they were always there for us when we needed them, Im not gonna lie we were some bad kids always losing our keys or getting into trouble we were latchkey kids so we ran the house and every time we were locked out they came across town to get us and take us to there house where we stayed the night.  Even though they are our cousins i always felt closer to them they were like the older sisters i've always wanted but unfortunately due to the adult family drama they moved and discontinued contact with the family they didn't want to leave us kids but it was too much and it wasn't getting better for them, i honestly don't blame them they had a hard life and sometimes in life you have to decide to remove people from you life who are no good for you or are toxic to your well being. Since my mom moved a lot it was hard for them to find us but they finally did, they cant believe how grown up we are the last time they saw me i was 13 yrs old Im now 26 with 3 kids my sister is 24 and my brother is 22 so we have a lot of catching up to do.  There away on business so it will be awhile before we see them face to face Im just happy I can talk to them over the phone and know that we will see each other soon.  I always knew this day would come.

I have Kairi this weekend, i don't think we will do much i think we are just going to relax and watch movies catch up on mommy and daughter time. I had a fun and busy labor day weekend, the reason i haven't blogged about it is because i don't remember much of it.  I am still trying to recover lol (shaking my head at myself)  Im thankful for my family without my 3 K's (Kevin,Kairi,Kaliyah) I don't know what I would do but because of them I know I have to stay strong and keep moving in Gods direction with my life sounds easier said then done but I am  truly working on it and me.  Have a good night all. Stay Blessed.

Stop living to please everyone else.  God gave you a unique heart, so do what He want you to do. -Joyce Meyer

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

1 Month Anniversary.

I've been writing this post since saturday 8/25/2012, exactly a month since hannah has passed away.  So many different distractions first I lost the post I wrote it just...disappeared(the only way I can describe it), sunday was church after church Kevin,Leah and I picked up my oldest daughter, my bestie and my godson and we went out to Olive garden for lunchby time we got back to new jersey it was bed time, we had a great time besides Leah's tantrum but she eventually feel asleep and all was normal again, Monday was just a lost day it went by so fast lol, and here we are today finally able to write about Hannah's 1 month anniversary.

( This first paragraph was written on saturday so that is why it says today and so forth)

Today makes a month since Hannah went to heaven.. technically Wednesday made it 4 weeks she passed away, On Wednesday Kevin, leah, His best friend Jerome and I went to Hannah's grave site to celebrate her one month in heaven we bought this cross with pretty pink roses on them and a pin that said "I LOVE YOU" after buying it I realized the roses weren't real, at first i was disappointed I wanted real roses for Hannah but in the end it worked out the lady wrote Hannah's name on the cross and her lot number since the roses are fake it will always be there (until wear and tear of course)  or until we memorize her shot.  I know know for future visits to come with our fresh flowers before we get there i assumed they sold fresh flowers. Go figure.  As I stood there watching the dirt, the fresh dirt piled on top each other, I was kind of shocked to see that i thought they would've flattened it like the rest but i guess not I don't know how that goes this is the first time having to return to a burial ground after some one was buried.  Anyway as I stood there watching the pile of dirt I couldn't grasp the fact that my little girl was down there or maybe I didn't want to grasp that its not nothing a parent should grasp.  At first I kept torturing myself wondering how does she look now in there?  My spirit told me to only talk of the good memories remember her sweet little face remember her as she was.  Kevin and i shared our memories with his best friend who didn't get to see Hannah while she was on earth. We talked about the fighter she was and how she was well known on the NICU/5th floor both floors she stayed on and the great staff she had by her side.  As I looked around i noticed two things 1. All the tombstones were were dated in the late 80's 87-88 (which i guess make sense since thats around the time my little sister passed away  2. they were all babies, some that lived only for a day and some that didn't even get to live a full day.  I felt so blessed and honored to have had Hannah for the two months i got to  know her little personality her likes and dislikes which she only had two dislike and that was a dirty diaper but who would like a dirty diaper lol secondly doctors and nurses probing at her again who would like that.

After talking we stood there in silence  i guess we all went into our own thoughts and wonders, after awhile we decided to start getting to ready to go before we left Jerome suggested we pray before we left (he's a Pastor in training) He said a heart warming beautiful prayer i felt an extra presence with us as we prayed my eyes were closed i pictured it was God or one of his angels with Hannah in there arms standing there with us as we prayed.  I was happy with our visit with Hannah i didn't cry it was all good except for the fact that we had to leave her, I know its not "her" just her body not her spirit her spirit is with me forever :-) but it still felt unnatural. Happy 1 month Anniversary my Little Hannah I love and miss you so much.

That was our 1 month visit with Hannah the first of many.....

Psalms 30 (NKJV)
1 I will extol you, O Lord, for you have lifted me up, And
have not let my foes rejoice over me.  2 O lord my god, I cried out to you,
and you healed me.  3 O Lord you brought my soul up from the grave; You have
kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. 4 Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of his,
And give thanks at the remembrance of his holy name.  5 For his anger is but for a moment, His favor
is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.  6 Now in my prosperity i said, "I shall never be moved."  7 Lord,by your favor you have made my mountain stand strong; You hid your face, and i was troubled. 8  I cried out to you, O Lord; and to the Lord I made supplication: 9 "What profit is there in my blood, When i go down to the pit?  Will the dust praise you? Will it declare your truth? 10 Hear, O Lord and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!  11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, 12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to you and not be silent.  O lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Healing a day at a time

Yesterday Kevin and i came to NYC with the kids to buy Kairi's school uniform clothes and drop her off to spend the rest of the summer with her dad :-( it breaks my heart every time she goes especially now after everything i've been real clingy with my kids don't really want them out my sight but i know there nothing i can do she has to spend time with her daddy and his family, i know she is in good hands.  After we dropped Kairi i wanted to do something just go somewhere to help me take some of my mind off Hannah and these past few weeks, we decided to go to the movies since my sister works at a movie theater we wouldn't have to pay.  We picked Ted to watch you know something funny and hopefully not boring the movie started at midnight, it was around 10:30pm so we had time to spear so we went to the pier in Canarsie,  Kevin and i use to always go there to talk, argue, make up that was our spot we haven't been there in so long.  As i stood there looking at the water i wondered where was Hannah at that moment? the obvious answer is Heaven but that i wanted more where EXACTLY is she? i didn't have the answer and neither did kevin.  I told him about the dream i had the night before about Hannah, i was back at the hospital and Hannah was there laying in her crib but when i looked she had a trach i picked her up and held her close a nurse walked by and said i thought she passed away i said so did i in the dream i'm sitting there remembering her funereal and wondering what happened i continued holding her and said i would wait until the doctors came in to ask him what happened and how did Hannah end up with a trach let alone alive again?  but unfortunately i didn't get that far in the dream i woke up :-/ (of course that would happen) we discussed my dream i knew i had that dream because i feel i should've  pushed for a trach i should've done more  to keep Hannah with us, Kevin didn't even let that thought settle in my mind he reminded me that wasn't the life we wanted for Hannah or our girls i knew that but GOD i didn't want her to die but i didn't want her like that either  i know i said this a million times but i just wanted to hold her so bad,  i cried he comforted me and we continued looking at the water at that moment i knew we need to go to a group and talk with other grieving parents and some therapy because Kevin's answers weren't doing it anymore i needed more. 
   Last minute i decided i didn't want  to go to the movies it wasn't going to help me clear my mind i would've sat there looking at the screen but not have the slightest idea what the movie was about (thats been happening to me a lot lately) I told kevin i did not want to go to the movies i wanted to do something but didn't know what he said lets go play pool i smiled without me saying anything he knew what i needed when i didn't even know what i needed.  We played pool for almost 3 hours it was after 2am when we left it was great it took my mind of the everything and i kicked Kevin's butt lol couldn't ask for a better night.  Thank you baby I love you.

I've always wanted to play softball the women looked cool and the sport is fun since i live in NJ theres a lot of women softball teams, i told Kevin i wanted to play for a team but of course i need training and who else better to train me then Kevin he use to coach his little brothers baseball team so he knows a thing or two.  Today was my first day of training we went to sea view parks field and began training i did pretty good he taught me how to catch ground balls, fly balls, how to hold my glove, how to protect my face and body from being hit with the ball.  A lot of running and moving it felt good it was training and exercise a two for one i need the exercise even though my legs and arms are sore i feel energized. I need to lose my baby fat starting from my first born who is now 8 years old and work my way down so i have a lot of work to do, i'm going to use this energy and get things done lose some weight, join a soft ball team, go back to school and become a respiratory therapist those are my short and long term plans.  

Tomorrow i'm going to church it will be the first time back since Hannah was born, a lot of people didn't know about Hannah's Diagnoses they do know she passed away i received a lot of beautiful condolences card from member's of my church this will be the first time i m gonna be around a large group of people who knows what happened its easy to go out and be around strangers they don't know whats going on so i can go forward with my day but tomorrow i know someone is gonna want to know exactly what happened?  i would want to know too, i just wouldn't be bold enough to ask.  I've prepared myself to answer questions and speak about Hannah i want everyone to know about my little angel, most importantly i cant wait to hear the word to hear what GOD has to tell me, i've been avoiding God and haven't spoken to him about Hannah since she passed away this morning was the first time i spoke to him honestly and told God how i felt about what happened after i opened my bible which is something i haven't done since Hannah passed away i read for over an hour from the KJV,NKJV and The Messenger  i felt a lot of the weight and pressure i was feeling slowly coming off of me as i read by time i was done i felt rejuvenated. I need to feel His presences i need His word to get me through this, here is one i read this is how i feel inside.

Psalms 31:9-(NKJV) ( this whole chapter is good but this stood out for me)
"9.Have mercy on me, O Lord, for i am in trouble: My eyes waste away with grief, yes my
soul and my body! 10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing; My strength fails
because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. 11 I am a reproach among my neighbors and am repulsive to my acquaintances; Those who see me outside flee from me. 12 I am like a broken vessel".

I know He will heal me if i let him and stop trying to heal myself.