Sunday, September 16, 2012


  I was reading a blog posting from another mom whose daughter has trisomy 18, she was talking about her daughter getting her shots and not being able to protect her from the pain all she could do was  comfort her while she was in pain by holding her close letting her know mommy was there. She knew her daughter needed these shots but wanting to spare her from the pain, not wanting her daughter to ever wonder why mommy just stood there and let them hurt me. I so understand what this mom meant i use to feel the same way every time the doctors came in to do some procedure on Hannah or when i use to look at her little  heel and she had so many little scars from them sticking her heel for blood, I knew she needed to have her blood drawn and the different procedures to make sure her levels were all good but Hannah didn't understand that, It use to break my heart i knew she needs these things done but i hated seeing her in pain so i made it my job to always comfort her as any parent would want to do for there child.   This mom used her story to show how God feels when we are in pain, he cant prevent it but He will comfort us, swaddle us, rock us in his arms and let us know everything will be alright. Through this i have felt God comfort me and let me know everything will be alright. I continued reading her post she wrote about when she was younger and immature   she would blaming God asking "How could God allow this to Happen? What did i do to deserve this? man o man how familiar but my questions to god weren't exactly the same mines were "is God punishing me for past mistakes?  Did God take Hannah because i failed in some way? as i continued reading she reminded me that God doesn't work like that (which i know) He is a caring and compassionate god who's son SUFFERED and DIED for us. For me that blew my mind as i thought about it it hit me  God knows what i'm feeling He watch his only begotten son be tortured,brutalized and murdered.

 God is not punishing me Hannah could never be a punishment my time with her has blessed me in so many ways, she changed me for the better.  I believe her job on earth was to bring me closer to God, my family and to bring me out of my shell. How did she bring me out my shell?  I had to talk to people, I had to express my feeling (which is something i didn't do) use my words and make sure i was being heard. I realized to get through my pregnancy with Hannah i would have to express my opinion and what i wanted for Hannah so i did, i also realized if i was gonna go through this i needed support, i needed words to help me when i felt overwhelmed or was facing the impossible and God delivered this through his word and through the people he brought in my life.

Today Hannah would of been 4 months I smile and my heart aches a little  when i say that i wonder what new things she would've been doing, I also wonder where would we be today would she be home? would we still be in the hospital?  Guess it doesn't matter anymore what i do know for sure is Hannah is at peace and is a  happy baby.  Days like today always make me feel...i don't want to say blue but i miss her extra hard on days like today and i haven't even come across the real hard ones 6mos, 1 year bday, 1 year anniversary in heaven etc.  Today kevin and i were talking about Hannah and he said "Hannah was his heart" before i could ask why? he continuing saying his mom told him that is  probably because Hannah looks like me as to why she had his heart i thought that was cute. Today we stayed home and spent extra time together Kairi wanted to watch another family movie so we watched "the Smurfs" while we ate dinner Kairi's choice was Hot dogs with Veggie baked beans yesterday we watched "Hop" which was a funny movie  while we ate Chicken Alfredo, noodles and broccoli it was a great day and weekend.
Kairi doesn't have school tomorrow and Tuesday,  I'm HAPPY when she has extra days off thats more time with me since i don't have her during the week (for now) so i love the extra time.




Friday, September 7, 2012

September Already...

On Wednesday Kev and I went back to Hackensack University Hospital to meet up with Sue and Dr. Beversdorf (palliative care) to pick up my necklace they ordered for me,  the necklace is unique because the pendent has Hannah's actually footprint on it, a engraved message on the back it says "Hannah our Beloved Angel." and the color of her birthstone.  All necklaces are made special for each little angel.  I couldn't wait to put mines on and show everyone, Im never taking it off, well except for showers of course.  I didn't know when kev and i decided to name this blog "FootPrints of Hannah" that Hannah's footprints would be the center of everything, Her footprints is everywhere in our life we have clay molded footprints in our living room, our bedroom has her pink painted footprint in a mom frame now I have my necklace.  It helps me feel a little closer to her and to always keep her in my view.
After we finished catching up with the ladies we decided to go over to see the PICU nurses and doctors who helped take care of Hannah, As i got off the elevator i felt a lot of anxiety my heart was racing, As we walked I spotted Hannah's old room its right in front the nurses desk so there was no running from it  it was so hard to look in that room (of course it wasn't her room anymore a new patient was in there) all the memories came back a lot of good some bad of course the day she passed is the most recent memory. I remembered her little pointer finger how she would use it to grab at her nasal or CPAP or to hold your finger I loved when she did that, i remembered the way she would stick out her tongue when she was hungry looking for something to suck on..... I remember those big bright eyes.
We got to see some of the nurses and most of the doctors unfortunately we didn't get to see the nurse who took care of Hannah until the end Danielle her last day was tuesday she moved away :-(, she was so compassionate to kevin, Hannah and myself she stayed with us and seen everything through, she took care of Hannah like she was her own even after Hannah passed she continued talking to Hannah and taking care of her i will never forget her and what she did, I just wish i could've thanked her the way I wanted too.

This hangs in our dining room (sorry for the glare)
The days are going so quickly, I cant believe we're in September already. Kairi started the 3rd grade she's getting so big and so mature, Im truly a proud parent.  As i'm sitting here writing this i'm watching my two girls laughing and playing with each other I thank God for these moments i thank Him for two healthy beautiful girls a big part of me wishing Hannah was here in my arms with me as I watch them play but that little part of me knows she had to go her time here was done.

About two days ago my little sister called me and told me the best news I had in some time our 2 cousins that we've been looking for for over 10 years contacted her on facebook they've been looking for us and decided to make a facebook hoping to find us AND IT WORKED!!  I was so excited when she told me this I couldn't wait to talk to them.  When my brother,sister and i  were kids they were always there for us when we needed them, Im not gonna lie we were some bad kids always losing our keys or getting into trouble we were latchkey kids so we ran the house and every time we were locked out they came across town to get us and take us to there house where we stayed the night.  Even though they are our cousins i always felt closer to them they were like the older sisters i've always wanted but unfortunately due to the adult family drama they moved and discontinued contact with the family they didn't want to leave us kids but it was too much and it wasn't getting better for them, i honestly don't blame them they had a hard life and sometimes in life you have to decide to remove people from you life who are no good for you or are toxic to your well being. Since my mom moved a lot it was hard for them to find us but they finally did, they cant believe how grown up we are the last time they saw me i was 13 yrs old Im now 26 with 3 kids my sister is 24 and my brother is 22 so we have a lot of catching up to do.  There away on business so it will be awhile before we see them face to face Im just happy I can talk to them over the phone and know that we will see each other soon.  I always knew this day would come.

I have Kairi this weekend, i don't think we will do much i think we are just going to relax and watch movies catch up on mommy and daughter time. I had a fun and busy labor day weekend, the reason i haven't blogged about it is because i don't remember much of it.  I am still trying to recover lol (shaking my head at myself)  Im thankful for my family without my 3 K's (Kevin,Kairi,Kaliyah) I don't know what I would do but because of them I know I have to stay strong and keep moving in Gods direction with my life sounds easier said then done but I am  truly working on it and me.  Have a good night all. Stay Blessed.

Stop living to please everyone else.  God gave you a unique heart, so do what He want you to do. -Joyce Meyer