Tuesday, August 28, 2012

1 Month Anniversary.

I've been writing this post since saturday 8/25/2012, exactly a month since hannah has passed away.  So many different distractions first I lost the post I wrote it just...disappeared(the only way I can describe it), sunday was church after church Kevin,Leah and I picked up my oldest daughter, my bestie and my godson and we went out to Olive garden for lunchby time we got back to new jersey it was bed time, we had a great time besides Leah's tantrum but she eventually feel asleep and all was normal again, Monday was just a lost day it went by so fast lol, and here we are today finally able to write about Hannah's 1 month anniversary.

( This first paragraph was written on saturday so that is why it says today and so forth)

Today makes a month since Hannah went to heaven.. technically Wednesday made it 4 weeks she passed away, On Wednesday Kevin, leah, His best friend Jerome and I went to Hannah's grave site to celebrate her one month in heaven we bought this cross with pretty pink roses on them and a pin that said "I LOVE YOU" after buying it I realized the roses weren't real, at first i was disappointed I wanted real roses for Hannah but in the end it worked out the lady wrote Hannah's name on the cross and her lot number since the roses are fake it will always be there (until wear and tear of course)  or until we memorize her shot.  I know know for future visits to come with our fresh flowers before we get there i assumed they sold fresh flowers. Go figure.  As I stood there watching the dirt, the fresh dirt piled on top each other, I was kind of shocked to see that i thought they would've flattened it like the rest but i guess not I don't know how that goes this is the first time having to return to a burial ground after some one was buried.  Anyway as I stood there watching the pile of dirt I couldn't grasp the fact that my little girl was down there or maybe I didn't want to grasp that its not nothing a parent should grasp.  At first I kept torturing myself wondering how does she look now in there?  My spirit told me to only talk of the good memories remember her sweet little face remember her as she was.  Kevin and i shared our memories with his best friend who didn't get to see Hannah while she was on earth. We talked about the fighter she was and how she was well known on the NICU/5th floor both floors she stayed on and the great staff she had by her side.  As I looked around i noticed two things 1. All the tombstones were were dated in the late 80's 87-88 (which i guess make sense since thats around the time my little sister passed away  2. they were all babies, some that lived only for a day and some that didn't even get to live a full day.  I felt so blessed and honored to have had Hannah for the two months i got to  know her little personality her likes and dislikes which she only had two dislike and that was a dirty diaper but who would like a dirty diaper lol secondly doctors and nurses probing at her again who would like that.

After talking we stood there in silence  i guess we all went into our own thoughts and wonders, after awhile we decided to start getting to ready to go before we left Jerome suggested we pray before we left (he's a Pastor in training) He said a heart warming beautiful prayer i felt an extra presence with us as we prayed my eyes were closed i pictured it was God or one of his angels with Hannah in there arms standing there with us as we prayed.  I was happy with our visit with Hannah i didn't cry it was all good except for the fact that we had to leave her, I know its not "her" just her body not her spirit her spirit is with me forever :-) but it still felt unnatural. Happy 1 month Anniversary my Little Hannah I love and miss you so much.

That was our 1 month visit with Hannah the first of many.....

Psalms 30 (NKJV)
1 I will extol you, O Lord, for you have lifted me up, And
have not let my foes rejoice over me.  2 O lord my god, I cried out to you,
and you healed me.  3 O Lord you brought my soul up from the grave; You have
kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. 4 Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of his,
And give thanks at the remembrance of his holy name.  5 For his anger is but for a moment, His favor
is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.  6 Now in my prosperity i said, "I shall never be moved."  7 Lord,by your favor you have made my mountain stand strong; You hid your face, and i was troubled. 8  I cried out to you, O Lord; and to the Lord I made supplication: 9 "What profit is there in my blood, When i go down to the pit?  Will the dust praise you? Will it declare your truth? 10 Hear, O Lord and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!  11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, 12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to you and not be silent.  O lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Healing a day at a time

Yesterday Kevin and i came to NYC with the kids to buy Kairi's school uniform clothes and drop her off to spend the rest of the summer with her dad :-( it breaks my heart every time she goes especially now after everything i've been real clingy with my kids don't really want them out my sight but i know there nothing i can do she has to spend time with her daddy and his family, i know she is in good hands.  After we dropped Kairi i wanted to do something just go somewhere to help me take some of my mind off Hannah and these past few weeks, we decided to go to the movies since my sister works at a movie theater we wouldn't have to pay.  We picked Ted to watch you know something funny and hopefully not boring the movie started at midnight, it was around 10:30pm so we had time to spear so we went to the pier in Canarsie,  Kevin and i use to always go there to talk, argue, make up that was our spot we haven't been there in so long.  As i stood there looking at the water i wondered where was Hannah at that moment? the obvious answer is Heaven but that i wanted more where EXACTLY is she? i didn't have the answer and neither did kevin.  I told him about the dream i had the night before about Hannah, i was back at the hospital and Hannah was there laying in her crib but when i looked she had a trach i picked her up and held her close a nurse walked by and said i thought she passed away i said so did i in the dream i'm sitting there remembering her funereal and wondering what happened i continued holding her and said i would wait until the doctors came in to ask him what happened and how did Hannah end up with a trach let alone alive again?  but unfortunately i didn't get that far in the dream i woke up :-/ (of course that would happen) we discussed my dream i knew i had that dream because i feel i should've  pushed for a trach i should've done more  to keep Hannah with us, Kevin didn't even let that thought settle in my mind he reminded me that wasn't the life we wanted for Hannah or our girls i knew that but GOD i didn't want her to die but i didn't want her like that either  i know i said this a million times but i just wanted to hold her so bad,  i cried he comforted me and we continued looking at the water at that moment i knew we need to go to a group and talk with other grieving parents and some therapy because Kevin's answers weren't doing it anymore i needed more. 
   Last minute i decided i didn't want  to go to the movies it wasn't going to help me clear my mind i would've sat there looking at the screen but not have the slightest idea what the movie was about (thats been happening to me a lot lately) I told kevin i did not want to go to the movies i wanted to do something but didn't know what he said lets go play pool i smiled without me saying anything he knew what i needed when i didn't even know what i needed.  We played pool for almost 3 hours it was after 2am when we left it was great it took my mind of the everything and i kicked Kevin's butt lol couldn't ask for a better night.  Thank you baby I love you.

I've always wanted to play softball the women looked cool and the sport is fun since i live in NJ theres a lot of women softball teams, i told Kevin i wanted to play for a team but of course i need training and who else better to train me then Kevin he use to coach his little brothers baseball team so he knows a thing or two.  Today was my first day of training we went to sea view parks field and began training i did pretty good he taught me how to catch ground balls, fly balls, how to hold my glove, how to protect my face and body from being hit with the ball.  A lot of running and moving it felt good it was training and exercise a two for one i need the exercise even though my legs and arms are sore i feel energized. I need to lose my baby fat starting from my first born who is now 8 years old and work my way down so i have a lot of work to do, i'm going to use this energy and get things done lose some weight, join a soft ball team, go back to school and become a respiratory therapist those are my short and long term plans.  

Tomorrow i'm going to church it will be the first time back since Hannah was born, a lot of people didn't know about Hannah's Diagnoses they do know she passed away i received a lot of beautiful condolences card from member's of my church this will be the first time i m gonna be around a large group of people who knows what happened its easy to go out and be around strangers they don't know whats going on so i can go forward with my day but tomorrow i know someone is gonna want to know exactly what happened?  i would want to know too, i just wouldn't be bold enough to ask.  I've prepared myself to answer questions and speak about Hannah i want everyone to know about my little angel, most importantly i cant wait to hear the word to hear what GOD has to tell me, i've been avoiding God and haven't spoken to him about Hannah since she passed away this morning was the first time i spoke to him honestly and told God how i felt about what happened after i opened my bible which is something i haven't done since Hannah passed away i read for over an hour from the KJV,NKJV and The Messenger  i felt a lot of the weight and pressure i was feeling slowly coming off of me as i read by time i was done i felt rejuvenated. I need to feel His presences i need His word to get me through this, here is one i read this is how i feel inside.

Psalms 31:9-(NKJV) ( this whole chapter is good but this stood out for me)
"9.Have mercy on me, O Lord, for i am in trouble: My eyes waste away with grief, yes my
soul and my body! 10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing; My strength fails
because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. 11 I am a reproach among my neighbors and am repulsive to my acquaintances; Those who see me outside flee from me. 12 I am like a broken vessel".

I know He will heal me if i let him and stop trying to heal myself. 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

2 weeks without Hannah....

Its been 2 weeks since Hannah has passed away...... the days are just going by, for the most part i am good i have my days when my thoughts get the best of me i wonder if i should've intervene with what was happening tell them to do whatever they had to intubate her, tracheotomy whatever it took to keep her alive as my thoughts keep racing the other half of my thoughts jump in and remind me that isn't what i wanted for Hannah i couldn't live with myself seeing her everyday with a whole in her throat getting all her breathing support from a vent machine for some thats enough for them and i don't knock them for there choice but for me and mines i couldn't keep holding on to her like that i wanted Hannah to be a part of our family not just a member of our family.  As much as i miss her i am happy for her no more suffering, no more needles and being poked at, no test, no more being held to one area because of machines attached to her...Hannah is free, free from all of it and that brings a warm feeling to my heart.

When Hannah was alive a lot of kevin's time and mine was devoted to Hannah unfortunately our two other girls were getting the short end of the stick we weren't able to do the things the kids wanted to do for summer especially my oldest Kairi.  Kairi was old enough to know what was going on with a lot of understanding but she wanted her time too she wanted to go places and do things i tried as much as i can to do with her i took her to coney island, sesame place, and some family pool parties or have family do things with her. what makes it harder is that i only have Kairi for half the summer then she goes to her dad for the other half.  Hannah was in the hospital the whole summer so when she passed away after my mind was clear i thought now i can take Kairi to the beach like she's been asking the whole summer to go.  We decided to go to beach today only the forecast shows rain for the rest of the week and Kairi leaves tomorrow so we did the next best thing WE WENT TO MEDIEVAL TIMES!!!! we had a great time i've never been there until today, Kevin and i definitely going back great food, great show *whispering* Handsome knights what more can i ask for? oh and most importantly Kairi had a great time even leah enjoyed the shows rooting for the yellow side waving her banner it felt good to be out and not worrying about Hannah or trying to hurry whatever we are doing so i can get back to Hannah's side or looking at my phone to see if i missed the hospitals call.

go yellow team!!!!

excuse my uhhh clevage smh. wish kev would've seen that.

Footprints of Hannah with me everyday.
Through all this i respect family time so much more its definitely important it was important before but now it's like a must i don't care how busy our life gets when its time for family time everyone better be there thats more for kevin and i right now since the kids are young they have no choice.  I appreciate having them around me more i'm possessive now i don't want to let them out my sight lol.  For some reason Leah is really clingy she doesn't let me out her sight..at all lol its like she's my protector i love it though i kinda use her too when i miss Hannah or wish i could kiss her little soft cheeks  i start kissing and hugging up on leah, the love i cant give to Hannah anymore physically i give it to leah and Kairi (when Kairi lets me she's hormonal lol).  My only regret is i never got to take a picture with all of my girls together and a family portrait with all of us together other then that i am content.