Friday, January 25, 2013

Happy 6 Month Angelversary

 Happy New Years, Wow 6 months!!!!!  sure doesn't feel like 6 months has pasted but it doesn't feel like it was yesterday either, it feels like yesterday she was born.  I remember every detail of Hannah's birth but her passing is a fuzzy.... I do remember it but i like to remember her living.  Hannah would've been 8 months old last week, I always wonder how she would look or what would she be doing now, at the same time i wonder with her having trisomy 18 would she be breathing on her own? or have a tracheotomy?, would we still be in the hospital debating wither or not we should pursue with surgery, I guess these questions and thoughts will always be with me.  6 months later i still question kevin and myself if we made the right decision not to intervene and let her go, kevin always reminds me of the life we wanted for Hannah, not the life Trisomy 18 was trying to put on our her... that helps me so much because i know i didn't want her on a vent or a trach if she couldn't do it on her own then I wasn't gonna push her and be selfish. Then i start thinking about how much i miss her and that i would do or give anything just to hold her, kiss her and watch her grow with her sisters thats when my selfishness comes in, in the end i  know i made the right decision for Hannah. I  left it up to God and Hannah to make the decisions because of that majority of the time im at peace with my choice.  Only every now and then i question it.

SO this weekend is a very special weekend for me, this weekend i am in Maryland i am here for a peer minister training course as some of you guys know when i was pregnant with Hannah i met a very special women named Cubby i originally met her through my/ Hannah's cardiologist, she has a organization called Isaiah's Promise named after her son who passed away very young due to an illness many years ago.  From the beginning our spirits took each other, we talked, she gave me advice and answered all the questions I had, and reminded me everyday that regardless of the outcome i am strong.  Her organization sent us such beautiful keepsakes for Hannah, her blessing gown, motivational cards, prayers shawls for me and the girls, games for the girls etc. Cubby was such a blessing in my life and after Hannah passed away I decided I wanted to continue giving that blessing to other families who are gonna be on this journey.   I have to be trained before I can start doing anything so tomorrow i am going to training, I am so excited and nervous but i know this is my calling and it will be great  :-).
 Later on that evening kevin and I are going to the fundraiser they are having yay!!! I feel so honored to be doing this training and being apart of something so special and important especially a day after Hannah's angelversary i feel like its meant to be I hope Hannah is looking down and is proud of me, without her i wouldn't even know anything about trisomy 18 or wanting to help others get through losing child.  I thank her for changing me for the better, for making me a better women, mom, friend, everything.

Theres so much more to update about but i want blog to be mostly about Hannah, I am going to try blogging more often its therapeutic and who knows somewhere down the line this can help another family.  I thank God for this journey at first it couldn't understand why me? but now i realize why not me? i'm not perfect and also realized its not about me its about someone else, about the next family or single mom who is going to need me or need my testimony....  I thank all those who take the time out to read these post.

lounging around one of our enjoyable days home

Hannahs favorite spot other than my chest lol

my Hannah Banna 

Daddy and daughter time

Hannah Happy 6 month Angelversary you are forever in my heart, your daddies heart, sisters heart and all those hearts you touched in 2 months and continue to touch.  Continue watching over us and with Gods hand continue guiding us on to the right path I love you beyond words.....until we meet again my angel.