Thursday, July 25, 2013

1 year angelversary Going down memory lane

Today for most of the day I watched the clock replaying every hour of this day last year what we were doing what was going on.  Right now at 7:11pm my house was packed with family and it was just surreal Hannah had passed away about 3 hrs ago and I couldn't believe what had happened we just lost our baby not something I ever thought I would experience. Why would I?  It's not natural but what I have learned in this past year is in this life Un-natural things happen.  I am still thankful because I knew what I was walking into but what about those parents or loved ones who were expected nothing but the best for their child.  I constantly think about those 25 children who were killed in sandy hook last year, I just couldn't rap my mind around it I was upset with God not for Hannah I understood what was going to happen it wasn't a matter of why me?  Or Why not me? Hannah was a blessing and  Despite what the doctors said before she was born it was she might not make it through the whole pregnancy my girl made it and was 2 weeks overdue, then it was she might not make through the delivery and my baby girl "did that" as Tamar Braxton would say.

  Hannah proved them wrong she gave us 10 weeks more then we expected.  I always told her as long as she fought I would continue fighting with her but whenever she felt she was tired of fighting it was ok. When the day came I wasn't ready to stop fighting My body was tired from lack of sleep and not eating on right but my heart and spirit had so much more fight in it she was worth  every second, minute and hour that  I didn't sleep spending time with her was so worth it.  Last year was the hardest year of kevin's and my life it started way before Hannah was born. In January Kevin had lost his job 3 months before Hannah was due to be born, We didn't know what to do, we have our at the time 11 month old daughter  and Kairi who was 8 but we only had her on the weekends so we have responsibilities. We were able to stay a float for a month after that things started going down hill we were behind in rent we were behind in all our bills.

Less then 2 weeks before Hannah's original due date (which was may 3rd) We got evictions papers and our landlord did not want to hear our sad story he wanted his place so someone else could move in and pay his rent.  We sat down and try to figure out what our next move was.  Kev's mom was helping us financially but she has her own bills and underage son to take care of she was a great help without her we would have sunk before we even floated.  We went to our local Public Assistance Office to find out what help we could get, they told us they would pay the landlord the money we owed and continue paying the rent, Kevin and I spoke to the landlord he wasn't interested in having PA pay the rent.  Went back to PA they told us our next option was to try and get an extension from the landlord and find a place before the eviction day.

Can you imagine being 8 1/2 months pregnant looking for an apartment, some days my feet would swell up so bad kevin would have to go see apartments without me. We had no luck it was either it was too small or it didn't fit into the budget PA gave us.  We were told if we couldn't find a place we would have to move into a shelter now I've never been in a shelter but from what I've seen in movies it was not a place we wanted to be in.  about 3 days before our due date we found a place THANK GOD! I was so relieved. I thought the day after we moved in my water was gonna break but nothing days went by and nothing until they had to induce about 12 days after my due date.

The first few days were so scary I couldn't sleep the NICU nurses were always kicking me out to get some sleep and the nurses who were assigned my room could never find me to do my blood pressure or give me my pain meds I was always in the NICU,I wan't worried about me i was fine.  those 3 days went by so quickly I wished I had a c-section so I could've stayed in the hospital longer but they discharged me early afternoon but I didn't leave that hospital until late that night I didn't want to leave her.  I was so scared they would call with bad news the first night I slept with the phone right next to my hear and called about every hour or I was annoying but didn't care lol.

It was hard even more for Kevin because he was in school to renew his EMT license and I remember being mad at him because he chose to go back to school in the middle of everything that was going on I didn't want him to miss out time with her but he had to do it to get back to work the longer he prolonged it the longer he was out of work.  Our first schedule was crazy we would wake up early Kevin would drop me off at the hospital then go back home with Leah,  It's a lot to ask a 1 year old to just hang around all day while mommy takes care of another baby so we decided to do it this way.  around 4pm kevin would come get me,  he had school, after school he would go spend time with Hannah he would do the overnight with her next day we would do it all over again.

One day I was talking with the Palliative care person Sue and she asked where Kevin was I explained how we had to do it since we had a little one at home she suggested we look into the hospital daycare I didn't even know they had a daycare in the hospital i called and got the info we couldn't afford it, it as $15 an hour i spent about 6 to 7 hours a day at the hospital that would be about $500 a week we sure didn't have that.  This is when I knew God was with us, she came into my room and said kevin and I should be spending time with Hannah together, she told me to meet her the next day and to bring Leah. The next day we both came in together with Leah, Sue took us down to the daycare spoke to the women I don't know what they spoke about but next thing I know I was registering leah into their daycare I was so thankful for sue she was our Angel through this she really became a friend to us.

Things were a little smoother we got up ate breakfast and went  straight to the hospital spent the day with Hannah while leah was in daycare we got to spent time with her together.  Leah loved going to daycare so it was easy on us.  I was so happy when the nurses came in and said Hannah began to know when we were there or not she was a different baby when we were around she content and calm but when we weren't around she was  fussy, so that put pressure on me I didn't want her crying and feeling alone so kevin and I would take turns doing the night shift we made it that she was only alone for a few hours when kevin had to go to school and i had to be home with Leah.  Either kev or I would stay with her at night.  We were always with her thats one of my most cherished thing knowing that she was never alone and even when we couldn't be there someone was there with her.  I remember there was this girl name Alicia she was a volunteer at Hackensack she had such a wonderful spirit and she fell in love with Hannah she would always come in 3-4 times a day to check on Hannah, sit and hold her if she was putting the nurses to work she was like our eyes when we weren't their.  she left before Hannah passed away I wish i knew her last name or something she was just great and we never really got to thank her.

Hannah was a blessed baby she was loved by family and family we gained through this journey.  Today started off down it was gloomy outside, and I wasn't in the mood.  Kev had to work this morning so we didn't do anything for Hannah I wanted the day to be as normal as possible.  I wasn't going to blog but I decided to blog about whatever came to my mind about last year and I am so happy I did as i remembered her all I can do is smile, It's not easy I miss her beyond words and every time I look at my girls playing together I am always reminded that one is missing but Hannah is in my heart I look at her pictures every day and look forward to seeing my love again.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Happy 1st Birthday Hannah!!!

Yesterday was my dear angel's 1st birthday.  I close my eyes and try to imagine how she would look or what she would be doing, what I see is her perfect little face smiling.  For Hannah's birthday I couldn't decide on what I wanted the family to do. Kev and I talked about different idea and with the help of Kairi (my oldest) we planned the day.  The plan was we would get up early go buy all the ingredients and equipment to bake a cake, come home bake the cake pretty it up and leave it for later, have lunch and go to the park let the kids run play and enjoy the beautiful weather, come home have dinner sing happy birthday, cut cake, and talk about Hannah for the rest of the night while looking at her pictures. Perfect day right? (how our day really went)

We woke up 2 hr later than we were suppose too, continued with plans we went to Walmart got all our supplies cake mix, baking pans, icing, etc.   On our way home I noticed Kairi kept itching her eyes I told her I didn't think that was a good idea .  We got home around 2pm  her eyes were red, irritated and swollen, we gave her some allergy medication and a cool compress to sooth her eyes I went to see how she was doing she was sound asleep that was at 3pm then my little one decided she too wanted to sleep. So it was just kevin and I we talked about Hannah watched a movie and in 2 hrs the kids were awake well leah woke up about 40 minutes after her nap but Kairi was passed out.  Once both the girls were awake we started on the cake, that was fun this was the first time in a very long time that i made a cake a lot of laughs Kairi is the pro with baking cakes her grandmother and her bake cakes all the time, Kairi was the head baker and i was the assistant and leah was the taster.  We made a 2 layer french vanilla cake with purple icing and we wrote "Happy 1st Birthday" it looked and tasted really good I was proud of us. Once that was done it was time for dinner, we set the table kevin prayed  and before we ate i wanted all of us to say Happy birthday to Hannah and speak of a memory with Hannah we all did of course Kevin's made me tear up a little with his but it felt so talking about my baby girl even though we talk about her very often.

We sang Happy birthday and blew out her candle this morning everyone was stuffed from dinner last night and i wasn't feeling too well so i didn't push it.  Our day was spent the way it was suppose to be with us together what we had planned didn't matter as long as we were together and remembering our Angel. Hannah is someone we could never forget even though she was here for 10 weeks she has changed my life,  so many others who were around her who believes her life changed there lives. Yesterday  wasn't a sad day last year may16th 2012 my daughter was alive and fighting, It was and forever will be one of the happiest days of my life and i will treat it as so. Next year it will be better i wont be sick and can do more the way i wanted too.  HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY HANNAH!!!  We love you so much. You are forever in our hearts, soul and mind.

Happy 1st Birthday Hannah!!!!

The girls blowing out the candle.

My little Angel I love you so much


Friday, January 25, 2013

Happy 6 Month Angelversary

 Happy New Years, Wow 6 months!!!!!  sure doesn't feel like 6 months has pasted but it doesn't feel like it was yesterday either, it feels like yesterday she was born.  I remember every detail of Hannah's birth but her passing is a fuzzy.... I do remember it but i like to remember her living.  Hannah would've been 8 months old last week, I always wonder how she would look or what would she be doing now, at the same time i wonder with her having trisomy 18 would she be breathing on her own? or have a tracheotomy?, would we still be in the hospital debating wither or not we should pursue with surgery, I guess these questions and thoughts will always be with me.  6 months later i still question kevin and myself if we made the right decision not to intervene and let her go, kevin always reminds me of the life we wanted for Hannah, not the life Trisomy 18 was trying to put on our her... that helps me so much because i know i didn't want her on a vent or a trach if she couldn't do it on her own then I wasn't gonna push her and be selfish. Then i start thinking about how much i miss her and that i would do or give anything just to hold her, kiss her and watch her grow with her sisters thats when my selfishness comes in, in the end i  know i made the right decision for Hannah. I  left it up to God and Hannah to make the decisions because of that majority of the time im at peace with my choice.  Only every now and then i question it.

SO this weekend is a very special weekend for me, this weekend i am in Maryland i am here for a peer minister training course as some of you guys know when i was pregnant with Hannah i met a very special women named Cubby i originally met her through my/ Hannah's cardiologist, she has a organization called Isaiah's Promise named after her son who passed away very young due to an illness many years ago.  From the beginning our spirits took each other, we talked, she gave me advice and answered all the questions I had, and reminded me everyday that regardless of the outcome i am strong.  Her organization sent us such beautiful keepsakes for Hannah, her blessing gown, motivational cards, prayers shawls for me and the girls, games for the girls etc. Cubby was such a blessing in my life and after Hannah passed away I decided I wanted to continue giving that blessing to other families who are gonna be on this journey.   I have to be trained before I can start doing anything so tomorrow i am going to training, I am so excited and nervous but i know this is my calling and it will be great  :-).
 Later on that evening kevin and I are going to the fundraiser they are having yay!!! I feel so honored to be doing this training and being apart of something so special and important especially a day after Hannah's angelversary i feel like its meant to be I hope Hannah is looking down and is proud of me, without her i wouldn't even know anything about trisomy 18 or wanting to help others get through losing child.  I thank her for changing me for the better, for making me a better women, mom, friend, everything.

Theres so much more to update about but i want blog to be mostly about Hannah, I am going to try blogging more often its therapeutic and who knows somewhere down the line this can help another family.  I thank God for this journey at first it couldn't understand why me? but now i realize why not me? i'm not perfect and also realized its not about me its about someone else, about the next family or single mom who is going to need me or need my testimony....  I thank all those who take the time out to read these post.

lounging around one of our enjoyable days home

Hannahs favorite spot other than my chest lol

my Hannah Banna 

Daddy and daughter time

Hannah Happy 6 month Angelversary you are forever in my heart, your daddies heart, sisters heart and all those hearts you touched in 2 months and continue to touch.  Continue watching over us and with Gods hand continue guiding us on to the right path I love you beyond words.....until we meet again my angel.