Friday, March 30, 2012

Its Going Down...

   So yesterday was my palliative care appointment they talk with kevin and i about our concerns, fears things like that.  It was a great visit they helped us put the finishing  touch on our birthing plan best of all Kairi was finally able to meet with them i was so happy about that they were  able to talk to kai through her emotions, about hannah the possibilities and whatever other questions she will have, kairi also got to tour the NICU and met some of the nurses her favorite part of the tour was the snack area of course lol i'm hoping they can talk to her dad too the more the better.  I also got scheduled for my c-section yay!!!!...i'm lying i'm scared out of my mind i don't like c-sections never had one i was trying to keep my record  but in this case i know it will be worth it and i'm giving my fears to my lord he knows what to do with it, as it gets closer i will definitely let u guys know when its going down i just don't wanna jinx it lol even though my faith tells me she will make it til my c-section date... i'm still gonna wait til it gets closer.  I took kairi back home, me,kevin and her dad talked some more and we are on the same page im just happy we all can talk and get along its been rough but we are still family and we will be that way.... Its just amazing how everything and everyone is falling into place.  Now the last thing i need to do is talk to my little sister about what i expect from her that day i love that girl to death my favorite-ist sister in the world but lord she is from another planet and i don't want no problems or her getting into it with nurses and doctors most importantly her blonde questions or blonde comments us as family understand that Adrianne isn't wrap to tight but other people might not understand her so i will have a list for her of DO's and DONT's and pretty much just stay quiet.  Pray for me y'all....and her lol.



Monday, March 26, 2012

LEAVE IT TO HIM....

Its been a few days since i wrote on my blog, first much wasn't going on and lately i've been feeling a little more tired then usual besides that everything has been good Hannah is still active i have a doctors appointment tomorrow so hopefully i can get some more information or answers i would like answers on scheduling my c-section.  Thursday made 34 weeks 6 more weeks to go.  These past few weeks something has been heavy on my heart i didn't really talk about it because  i knew much change wasn't gonna come from it but when you give god your problems he always fixes it. About two weeks ago i told kairi's dad that i wanted her to be present with the rest of family once the baby was born he felt it wasn't a good idea to expose her to something this traumatic since to him anyway she's been through so much  he wanted me to wait until i knew the status of the baby give it a few weeks then let her see her sister against what i really felt i agreed but it was really bothering me my kids are my proof that i can overcome anything especially with  kairi she's my first that girl was with me when i had no idea what i was doing as a parent she went through so much with me, now leah's is here thats my love child both of them together makes me such a stronger person and to look around and see kevin's and my family there but no kairi would've eaten me up i spoke to her dad again on friday and told him how i really felt we went back or forth on wether it was a good idea or not he felt her getting attached to the baby and then the baby dying would be hard on her but i feel its her sister and she has a right to be around her as long as she can, yes its gonna be hard on her its gonna be hard on everyone and with the right help kairi would be fine i rather her see her sister alive then to be mad at me that i didn't let her be apart of getting to know her sister we decided we would see what happens as time got closer.  Yesterday i went to church and for the first time he didn't have a message prepared he said he was doing something different that sunday he said god told him to tell his people to bring our problem to him, things that are heavy on our hearts, things been bothering us, he opened the alter and those who wanted went up and prayed and the rest could stay at there seat and pray i stayed at my seat and prayed i really prayed and told god exactly how i was feeling and what i wanted from the whole service was spent praying to god it felt really peaceful service was over.

Monday morning (today) i woke up did my morning prayer as usual went into the living room kevin said Abdul called and he said he will bring kairi to the hospital the day of the delivery i was happy to hear that and thankful to god of course that he agreed to bring her but of course he had to add his own demands that she could only stay for a few hours because he doesn't want her to spent the day grieving but little does he know there will be no grieving because i have faith hannah will be here for a little while i will take whatever god gives us, already i feel god is going to do some amazing things with hannah in our life's, that doesn't necessarily mean she's going to live (god knows i would love for my baby to live) but what i do know is hannah will impact lives she's already done so in my life i never knew i could ever be this strong and i know there will be more lessons from hannah in my life, her dads life, Kairi's life and those few who will be in hannah's life........

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

GOOD START SO FAR.....

HOLA everyone,
Even though its tuesday its been a busy two days yesterday we had a cardiologist appointment that went ok no changes in Hannah's heart which isn't shocking we did find out the whole is pretty big its between a quarter and half a dollar size i didn't think it was so big even though surgery can be done if all goes well its still nerve wrecking knowing my little baby might have to under the knife....im depending on god to give me the strength to get through it.  We also got our MRI results the results came back unremarkable everything in hannah's brain is intact and functioning no concern in the brain, theres fluid in the belly which leaves us to assume she is swallowing so thats GREAT!!! kidneys are normal size,bladder was normally distended everything appeared to be on point glory be to god the only thing was the fluid i have more fluid then should be the doctors aren't alarmed at the moment i was so happy with MRI results.

Today we had two appointments uggghs!!! the first one was ultrasound to check on the baby's growth and make sure everything is going good inside of there and so far so good no changes baby is growing according to due date, right now she weighs 4lbs 3ozs :-) we were definitely happy to hear her weight usually babies with trisomy 18 are born at 4lbs so this is definitely a blessing, we finished with ultrasound we headed upstairs to the NICU to meet with the neonatologist unfortunately leah wasn't able to enter the NICU which we knew from yesterday but since it was last minute it was hard to find a babysitter for today thankfully the doctor or nurse( im not sure what her title is) from yesterday she got along so well with leah  she volunteered to meet us at our appointment today to watch leah while we toured the NICU, everything worked out GOD continues to put the right people in my life and i pray he continues to bring the right people in my life and eliminate the ones that don't fit in.

The tour was very helpful so now i have a idea where my little munchkin will be while i'm down in the OR getting put back together i met with 1 of the doctors who answered all our questions now its just waiting time i have to finish my birthing plan so all the doctors and nurses involved will know what we want done for hannah before hand, get my bag together i still don't know what i'm putting in that bag but i will figure it out thats about it everything else will fall into place.  well that is it for tonight i am exhausted i don't have to wake up early i can sleep in til about 8:30 maybe 9 if leah permits it.  well until next time take care......

Saturday, March 17, 2012

33 WEEKS & COUNTING......

  Hey guys just giving a update on the end of my week, Thursday i turned 33 weeks yay!!! every week i'm still pregnant is a celebration for me 7 more weeks to go it, also i finally went for my glucose test drank that nasty orange flat soda  waited an hour  they drew my blood and it was over went bought some groceries that was it my day was pretty much over been on the couch ever since i've been having a lot of back pain so i try and stay off my feet when i can. Friday was a little busy for us leah had a her one year doctors appointment i didn't know they were going to give so many shots my poor baby she got 3 shots in her leg they did a PPD annnd took some blood by time we left the doctors office she was passed out for trip to new york, i couldn't help wondering once Hannah is born how am  i gonna deal with the fact of her having to get different test or surgeries or watching her in pain and cant do anything about it, something in me always give me the same answer "god will bring you through it all" and i instantly feel at peace.  We got to NYC  i went over to the besties house (shenna) we did our female bonding its good having her to talk too sometimes you just need a ear to listen she's always positive even when i'm being negative she calls to check up on me make sure i'm getting my test done even though sometimes i could be a pain in the butt she still calls i always knew why our friendship lasted so long but through this hard time  its really clear now and its made me a better friend too, anyway we picked up Kairi she played a little with her friends (shaka and eboni) we came home and our friday was over.


Today is saturday i was so tired i couldn't sleep lil Hannah was moving all night every time i turned to get comfortable she came and changed it lol i wanted to sleep in this morning but kevin had to go for his morning run so i got made the kids breakfast and started my grumpy, i took a nap with leah and woke up  a new person, we took the kids to the park they played had a good time Kairi made some friends  we came home watched some movies ate dinner the rest of the saturday is relaxing thats it until tomorrow talk to y'all soon....

    

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

FETAL MRI

Good day all,
so today was the fetal MRI i pray i would never ever have to do that again i thought i was going to lose my mind, Ive never had a MRI done kevin made it sound so simple and easy i guess because where he had to get a MRI  it was simple but me nothing was easy or simple about it first of all they lay you on this thin HARD bed (thats what we will call it) with one pillow, i don't know about y'all but i like 3 to 4 pillows anyway im on my back then they put this weird machinery thing on my stomach and tape me down with headphones on...yes i said TAPE ME DOWN i was ok with all of this until i went into that machine i thought i was going to flip out i asked how long was it gonna take she says 30-45 mins REALLY??? omg as i lay there theres a whole bunch of noise beeping and then she keeps saying hold your breathe for like 20 seconds at a time women i got asthma lol,  after a while i had a headache and felt lightheaded then the legs fell asleep,the left side of my hip started hurting and of course my back was killing me a whole 45 minutes passed and right when i thought i was about to hit the emergency button they give u in case you panic she says your done..... finally i sat up so fast my poor left foot was swollen and the left side of my hip still hurts.  Unfortunately i didn't get my results they have to send it to the  gyn  doctor so i have to wait til next week :-( so more waiting *jeopardy song*

Hannah did well with all that noise she stay chilled did her little moving but nothing serious.  I pray for minimal problems i hope theres no problems but im going to be realistic and pray for a outcome that we and the doctors can work with im tired so thats it for tonight tomorrow im gonna finally go and get this glucose test done until then don't forget to say your prayers and thank GOD for all the good in your life and remember "it could always be worst" much love and goodnight...

Monday, March 12, 2012

JOKES OF THE DAY

Todays post is short just wanted to give you guys the funny not so funny thing that happened today, I thought my water broke this morning, It was around 11am and i sneezed like three times now im going to be honest sometimes when i sneeze.....well you guys know the rest if you don't ask a women what usually happens when a women is pregnant and sneezes back to my story now "that" happened a little but a few seconds after i felt a gush a real gush so i froze and waited i wasn't sure if it was my water breaking or "y'all know"  i thought about how far along i was and if it was my water breaking i panicked something said to wait and see if more comes down so i..... ummm *whispering* i changed and relaxed then i started feeling contractions i started panicking again but they like 15 mins apart and once i laid down  the contractions slowed down and there was no more leakage baby is active and all is good "wiping sweat off forehead." Let me give you guys another joke so im sitting in the living room the left side of my chest under my rib cage starts to hurt now my little brother  (adam) and kevin are talking about the guy from zoolander how he plays the same roles (fat and clumsy) there words not mine i say oooo my chest is hurting no response i hear adam say hes not like will smith and they go in about will smith i repeat my chest is hurting never got a response so i yell so thats the last thing im going to hear you guys talking about before i DIE will smith? they look at me and start dying with laughter *shaking my head*  thankfully it was  just gas it went away.

 Tomorrow is my fetal MRI appointment i'm nervous but also glad that i'm final going to be able to know whats going on with hannah so i can finally make a decision on either doing the c-section or vaginal birth,, i really don't want to do a c-section im terrified of that but i will do whatever i have to do (like i said before) so tomorrow i will have something all about hannah and our appointment  since shes not here yet sometimes i have to improvise and talk about my life events. That is it for tonight goodnight my peeps....

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sunday Greetings

Today was a great day, woke up early got to church on time received as much of the message i could be cause my lil one (leah) didn't want to sit she wanted to walk around in the back but i was still able to hear my message, i always say "my message" because i always feel like pastor is talking to me personally todays message was not to get caught up into todays system and allow things or lusts to overtake us i definitely need to hear that even though i'm not a shopper or "things" chaser but i do need to get priorities in order  and better budget my finances. After service Kevin and I had our  first premarital class today i already know i'm going to benefit so much from this class not only me but kevin as well, Our pastor asked a group of us if we had to choose between being married to the person next to me (kevin)   and being blessed by god or  going for our personal dreams which would we choose  i could say without even thinking or a doubt i would choose kevin being married to a man like him is a dream and the dreams we can make and accomplish together is way bigger then i could ever dream alone, so i am very excited about this class.  We honestly wanted to be married before Hannah was born but the class wont be over till the middle of may but thats ok at least we are finally getting it done, kev and i were talking about getting married sometime either the end of september or  beginning of october either around our birthday his is sept 29 and mines is oct 2 or on our anniversary which is october 12 we will see where god steers us.  Now when i think about anything after may i wonder will hannah be alive or just a memory in my heart only time will tell.....

 Hannah is growing these kicks are getting stronger and stronger and i'm getting bigger n bigger it bewilders me sometimes if it wasn't  for the doctors appointments i wouldn't remember that i'm carrying a baby diagnosed with trisomy 18 a baby who some doctors feel has no chance,  this pregnancy has been the best out of all the my pregnancies no morning sickness nothing just a normal pregnancy its just crazy to me but i'm not in charge my LORD is in charge and i know he will give me an answer.  Lately i haven't been reading my bible the way i should i'm letting other non important things get in the way of my spiritual reading and i really need to keep that connection right now he's the main reason i'm getting through this i cant afford to lose that connection i already feel my thoughts and mindset changing i feel my fears creeping up on me so tomorrow i am back on it.  I have a busy week ahead of me more appointments i will definitely keep you guys updated on those appointments well thats about it for today thank you for all those who read this and give me such positive feedback im really happy i started this blog its very therapeutic, Goodnight friends...

Friday, March 9, 2012

One of those days, but i made it!!!!

Today was just one of those i didn't want to get up out of bed, didn't want to do or go anywhere just lay in my bed  but i have a one year old so i had to get out of bed, i was just BLAH of course the day im out of it leah is energized as ever and kevin had to run an errand so it was just me and leah i couldn't wait until her nap time so i could go back to bed and just lay there. While i waited  she played i went on a trisomy 18 organization website, signed up made my own profile  as i was reading some other moms stories i felt so blessed there was one lady her baby was diagnosed with trisomy 18 this is her FIRST baby like wow that would've blown my mind i don't think i would've been able to deal with it the way i am today if this had happened to me on  my first pregnancy my girls are the main reason i am getting through this.  Nap time finally came around we went to sleep leah woke up  but i wasn't ready i needed more sleep i think my body was just really tired its hard sleeping at night trying to get comfortable with a big ol belly, the  bathroom runs by time i fall into the deep sleep its after 5am thankfully kevin came home so he took leah and i went back to sleep. I woke up around 4pm i felt so much better i slept for 4 hrs uninterrupted, Honestly before the nap i thought i was going through some type of depression i just felt so out of it but after that nap i was back to myself thank god i have so much stuff to be thankfully for i refuse to let this unfortunate time make me depressed or bitter.  Its friday so we picked kairi from school so good to see my pumpkin i wasn't i wasn't planning on it but shenna made sure i came over to her house i usually do go over there on fridays to spend time with my god son amir and Shenna's family but today i so blah i just told myself i wasn't going nowhere but home to jersey but shenna wasn't having it she called wanting to know where i was long story short i went over there and like she said i wouldn't regret it and i didn't, i never do her family is my second family so its always a pleasure going over there the kids love going over there both of them spent a lot of there time in her house.


Hannah was her usually self quite in the morning bouncing around in the afternoon until evening then it starts slowing down by night time its quite again with the exception of a few jabs here and there i cant wait to see her little face and hold her at the same time i dont want to rush the time this might be the most time hannah and i have to together im optimistic but at the same time realistic either way im just enjoying my time with her, right now our bond is growing stronger and stronger everyday just like our bond is growing stronger the fight in is growing stronger too i will fight for my babies life as long as theres a will god will make a way im sure of it...well thats it for tonight. love and be loved

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Finally Over!!!! YES!!!!

Good day,afternoon,night (depends what time your reading this)
 This morning i woke up early and ready, Today is the day i go to court to finally be done with all this custody and legal mumbo jumbo i don't plan on ever seeing that place again. I got there 9' o clock on the dot, shortly after i arrived Abdul was came (kairis dad) we went up together and waited for our lawyers i think out of all the times we had to keep going back and forth to this place this one was more comfortable we actually spoke before we got called in to see the judge it was just a peaceful atmosphere everything went smooth we submitted our papers, annnnnd we got called first in and out paper work is done and soon everything should finally final i will be a free agent....well not really cause i'm already spoken for but it will feel good to know i can actually say i'm not legally married even though we've been legally separated for a little over 3 years so this closure was a great feeling.  It sucks to have my oldest daughter away from me most of the time especially since she has a little sister  but what i'm realizing is sometimes in life we have to do things we don't too but needs to be done, Kairi is in a great school  shes taken care of and she's happy,  To be honest i kind of commend her father because most men wouldn't go so hard for there kid, kids always have there mothers but not there fathers so the fact she can say she grew up with both of her parents i'm happy about that.

Its such a Beautiful day today kevin and i are  gonna take leah to the park and enjoy the day, Besides having a simple settlement today, Today i am 32 weeks pregnant yay!!!!  i"m so happy and blessed to have made it this far i've read so many other cases were the women didn't get this far but i did by the grace and mercy of my heavenly father, if tomorrow things go left i'm at least i know i did my part and continued my pregnancy and will have no regrets.  Hannah is active and moving around i love feeling her move to me its her way of communicating with me and letting me know she is still there with me. About 8 more weeks to go i just want to get to full term.  Leah had so much fun in the park it was nice to see her with her grandmother playing.  As a kid i didn't  have that kind of relationship with my grandparents i met my mothers mom once my dad parents i've never met so  i love the fact my kids are close with there grandparents, i do wish my mom was more active in her grand kids life but she getting her life together so i understand  and my dad..well he has his family in maryland but he speaks to them every now and then thats just my side of the  family kevins side of  the family love and adore leah she's a lucky baby his family is big so shes just loved all around kairi too her dads family have helped me take care of her since she was a baby and since shes the only grandchild in NYC so she has her grandmother and aunt to her self all the time they are blessed and when little hannah comes she will be blessed to with a big family to love and cherish her.

to end my night i went with my sister Adrianne and best friend Shenna to the movies it was nice to get out and be normal a little bit (whatever normal is) we were suppose to see that tyler perry movie Good Deeds we ended up seeing project X at first i was so against seeing that movie i didn't see the point in me seeing it a lil rich has a big party big deal BUT after watching that movie i have to say it was good and funny to me it was better then hangover like too hilarious i really enjoyed it.  im thankful for the people in my circle like shenna she's a great friend  close enough to be my sister love her to death she gave me a beautiful god son who i adore who made our friendship even tighter but dont tell her i said  that dont want to blow her  head up. well thats it for tonight its already late and i need my rest take care everyone. i pray for everyone peace, happiness, and love, goodnight

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Well my day started slow i was suppose to go get my glucose test done but that didn't happen i was to be there at 6:30am i woke up on time but i felt sorry for kevin he just looked so out of it he needed to rest so i told him go back to bed.  Since i hit my third trimester he's been at my beck and call he even started cooking and kev doesn't cook lol he does a mean stir fry chicken though. Also today is the day we have been waiting for to see if kevin gets approved for unemployment, Kevin is a EMT, like me, unfortunately he didn't pass his refresher so now he has to wait until june to take his test again but in the meantime we need income so his job told him to apply for unemployment and see what happens so our fingers are crossed, I personally like having him home he helps me with Kaliyah our 1 year old her energy is always up there a lot of the time i don't have energy to keep up, being pregnant with a trisomy 18 we retain a lot of amniotic fluid so even though im 7 months some would say i look bigger but its all fluid trisomy 18 babies measure small usually 2 weeks behind but by the grace of god mines is so far measuring her right size, The doctor decided to spread out my ultrasound appointment so they really see if she is growing in there so instead of every 2 weeks i go every 3 weeks and the echo-cardiologist i go to him once a month.
Hannah has VSD (ventricular septal defect) which means a whole in one of the  ventricles of her heart thankfully that is fixable hopefully once she is born if there isn't other complications(which might be the case) they can do the procedure to fix it, March 13th im going to get a MRI done so we can see exactly whats going on in there so theres no surprises once she born. I will be in NYC for the rest of the week i have court tomorrow with my oldest daughter Kairi's dad to settle on our agreement of her living arrangements instead of coming back to jersey to go back to NYC on  friday to pick up kairi we will just stay down there that $12 toll is no joke.  After talking to kevin i decided to link my blog to my facebook (yikes) i wasn't sure if i wanted to do that because facebook is  just facebook there just for stupid post then i realized why not post something that can benefit peoples life instead of just posting nonsense, some will take it for what it is others will just read to be nosy im hoping most will benefit from it. We know where we are today but we don't know where we will be tomorrow,  so here it is for the world to see.


We landed in brooklyn safely its almost 9pm i hate long rides for 2 reasons 1. i always have to use the bathroom before we reach our destination even though i went before i left home, 2. thats when the baby decides to be in all these weird position stabbing me in the ribs or in my pelvis so uncomfortable. well todays pretty much the same as it started this morning slow and quiet, im gonna wrap it up early tonight as i get better with blogging soon i will start adding pictures of the belly, my girls, hubby and I.  Until next time keep in mind god is in the mist of everything just because we don't get our way or what we think we want  sometimes in life doesn't mean we have to be unhappy. be happy its your right.....

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

First of soon to be many..

This is my first post even though im writing i still feel nervous this is the first time im going to really let people into my head.  I hope people will benefit from this blog and know there not alone even when we feel very alone.  ever since our baby was diagnosed with trisomy 18 of course my life has changed but not the way everyone might think, I started looking at everything and everyone differently what use to easily upset me i now brush off like "psssh thats not important," I look at my little girls differently they are so precious and i enjoy every moment with them unfortunately my oldest daughter Kairi i only see on the weekends,breaks and holidays  i moved to new jersey and she lives and goes to school in NYC i get a lot of flack for that  my family saying "why would i do that?" "that could never be me" all types of different comments at first it use to bother me but now what i realized is there not in my shoes so if they don't understand well....hey but i understand... as long as Kairi is happy and knows that i am here  whenever she needs me im happy with that, which brings me back to my pregnancy Im 31 weeks pregnant im so thankful i made it this far i still have a long way to go but i am ready.  Being pregnant with a trisomy 18 baby is scary i didn't believe it at first i thought there test were wrong but reality set in when the amniocentesis came back positive for Trisomy 18, i didn't even know what that was i surely wasn't expecting what i was about to encounter online.



Trisomy 18 is a  Genetic chromosome disorder the human is made up of 46 chromosomes  we get 23 chromosome from our mothers and 23 chromosome from our fathers, apparently each parent starts off with 2 of each chromosome when conception happens 1 chromosome is dropped from each parent making it 46 all together, In my babies case that didn't happen in the 18th chromosome instead of having two she has 3 18 chromosomes so instead of having 46 she has 47 chromosomes which throws off everything, your probably confused i know i sure was.  Trisomy 18 babies are considered  "incompatible with life" the problems are so severe they usually don't make it after birth and some live for no longer then a year now there are very few cases where the children are alive but there mentally retarded, have trach's to help them breathe,digestive issues etc. its a lot too much to list. When i read this i was so freaked out like how could this be happening to me it felt unreal, The doctors gave me my opinions i could either terminate the pregnancy or continue with the pregnancy i didn't know what to do i leaned on my fiancee for his opinion on what we should do we talked and talked and talked some more as we spoke we both realized we couldn't take continuing a pregnancy knowing we could possibly lose our baby in the end  for me the worse part would've been having a baby with special needs i wouldn't know what to do it was too much to digest,  I spoke to  my mom she automatically lost it like i told her her baby was sick lol she didn't like the idea of termination and felt if i prayed hard enough god would change it but i felt if god wanted to change it he would've changed it before i even knew i was pregnant and thats not to say i don't believe god can do miracles i know he can i just didn't think he would do it for me, After talking to my mom she realized at the end of the day it was Kevin's and my decision so she left  it up to us.


One day we would agree to terminate the next day it changed to keeping the baby we didn't know what to do, a thought came to me we need to meet with our pastor i brushed it off cause i knew he would say "god has a plan he knows everything thats to come" and i would've said "ok can you tell him to tell me whats going to happen so i know in advance" i already knew the answer to that NO...about a week went by i finally decided to send my pastor a email, we set a meeting up with him at the time Kevin and i decided to terminate and wanted our pastors blessing in our decision, we were amped like "i got your back" we going in there like "this is our decision and we sticking to it"...... so didn't happen like that starting with me i said i wasn't sure what we wanted to do to myself im saying "yes u do" but those words weren't coming out, it was my fiancees turn to talk he started crying which i expected because before that he wasn't showing much emotion he's talking then out of nowhere he says " i want us to continue the pregnancy" in my mind im like NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! now i know that was fear talking, fear of having to face the inevitable not knowing what was going to happen i felt i could take back control by terminating but as we continued talking with our pastor i realized that wasn't the case, he told us he would support us either way but one way wasnt better then the other if i terminated early i would always wonder "what if" and that would eat me up, i also realized what if god is doing this to deliver me from something what if something good was to come out of all this or what if i was being punished all i knew was terminating was saying i didn't have faith in god which i did for  my normal situations you know "damn i don't have my car insurance this month im not worried god will work it out for me" but this was something i didn't have faith he would change, despite what i felt inside i went along with kevin and decided to keep the baby i was 22 weeks then.  Today i am 31 weeks pregnant and so grateful for my fiancee and 100% my Pastor Tyrone Stevenson the support system is amazing i have support from people i've never even met just speak to on the phone or through email i am learning so much about me, honestly i was a negative thinker always felt people do stuff for other people cause they want something in return but i feel like im changing into a passionate, caring, loving, understanding person and i love it well thats it for today i think u guys are up to speed for the most part until tomorrow stay blessed and motivated.