Today we heard back from the surgeon he said its a no his reasons were reasonable the muscles in her heart are thick, while doing the VSD repair they stop the heart the surgeon is worried once he starts the heart the heart will pump stiffly which can eventually cause lung issues and make the heart weaker, he also feels it would not benefit her by doing the surgery. I asked him what he suggested we do he suggested we let nature run its course..... as i walked back to Hannah's room i felt the same calmness i always feel when we get bad news or what we think is bad news for a second i felt tears forming as i looked at Hannah to think one day she wont be here, same time the nurse came in to change her sheets and asked would i like to hold her? ( i haven't held hannah since she went to columbia so for about a month) of course i want to hold my baby girl especially after talking to the doctor, i held her close to me took in her smell played with her hands and whispered god is in control of your life.
The doctor came in and asked what my plan was i told her i wanted to get Hannah off the by-pap back on her nasal cannula and home and that is the plan. This Evening Hannah's cardiologist Dr. Kipel came in to talk to me he also had gottwn the news that the surgeon Dr. Malhotra decided not to do the surgery i love Dr. Kipel he is an amazing cardiologist compassionate and always honest with us he spoke about what the surgeon had said and he heard about my plan to get Hannah home he expressed to me that he wanted to reach out to one more hospital and present Hannah's case to another surgeon as i'm listening to him i'm thinking i just accepted the fact that surgery wasn't happening..i was ok with that now he saying to talk to another surgeon 1. I don't want to get my hopes high 2. Is surgery the best idea for Hannah? I want to try and give Hannah a fair chance at life but i don't want to lose my time with her i don't want to send her off to surgery and she doesn't make it at the same time i don't to bring her home and watch her slowly die... i don't know what to do, i can say i'm going to give it to god but that doesn't mean i wont still think about or wonder what's going to happen. My oldest daughter's dad said something that's been sticking with me since he said it, he said "you cant do both its either you worry or you give it to god but you cant say you give it to god and then worry its doesn't work like that" it is so true but i don't know how to just give this to god, this is the biggest decision i'm sure i will ever have to make in my life and i want to make the best decision for Hannah *sighs* if only i knew what that was.
Tonight Kev and i are gonna sat talked about all out possibilities,fears,expectations. I am so happy to have him by side going through this i'm sure i said this before and i'm going to say it again i couldn't see me going through with no one else but Kevin, when i'm being negativity he always remind me of the positive. Tomorrow we have a meeting with the attending doctors, cardiologist, and palliative care to figure what it is we should do, how can we get to a decision, what is best for Hannah, and should we entertain getting a third opinion. thank you all for the prayers they continue to give my family strength.
Romans 10:10(NKJV)
For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture said, whoever believes on him will not be put to shame. AMEN.
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