4 MONTHS OLD TODAY

  I was reading a blog posting from another mom whose daughter has trisomy 18, she was talking about her daughter getting her shots and not being able to protect her from the pain all she could do was  comfort her while she was in pain by holding her close letting her know mommy was there. She knew her daughter needed these shots but wanting to spare her from the pain, not wanting her daughter to ever wonder why mommy just stood there and let them hurt me. I so understand what this mom meant i use to feel the same way every time the doctors came in to do some procedure on Hannah or when i use to look at her little  heel and she had so many little scars from them sticking her heel for blood, I knew she needed to have her blood drawn and the different procedures to make sure her levels were all good but Hannah didn't understand that, It use to break my heart i knew she needs these things done but i hated seeing her in pain so i made it my job to always comfort her as any parent would want to do for there child.   This mom used her story to show how God feels when we are in pain, he cant prevent it but He will comfort us, swaddle us, rock us in his arms and let us know everything will be alright. Through this i have felt God comfort me and let me know everything will be alright. I continued reading her post she wrote about when she was younger and immature   she would blaming God asking "How could God allow this to Happen? What did i do to deserve this? man o man how familiar but my questions to god weren't exactly the same mines were "is God punishing me for past mistakes?  Did God take Hannah because i failed in some way? as i continued reading she reminded me that God doesn't work like that (which i know) He is a caring and compassionate god who's son SUFFERED and DIED for us. For me that blew my mind as i thought about it it hit me  God knows what i'm feeling He watch his only begotten son be tortured,brutalized and murdered.


 God is not punishing me Hannah could never be a punishment my time with her has blessed me in so many ways, she changed me for the better.  I believe her job on earth was to bring me closer to God, my family and to bring me out of my shell. How did she bring me out my shell?  I had to talk to people, I had to express my feeling (which is something i didn't do) use my words and make sure i was being heard. I realized to get through my pregnancy with Hannah i would have to express my opinion and what i wanted for Hannah so i did, i also realized if i was gonna go through this i needed support, i needed words to help me when i felt overwhelmed or was facing the impossible and God delivered this through his word and through the people he brought in my life.

Today Hannah would of been 4 months I smile and my heart aches a little  when i say that i wonder what new things she would've been doing, I also wonder where would we be today would she be home? would we still be in the hospital?  Guess it doesn't matter anymore what i do know for sure is Hannah is at peace and is a  happy baby.  Days like today always make me feel...i don't want to say blue but i miss her extra hard on days like today and i haven't even come across the real hard ones 6mos, 1 year bday, 1 year anniversary in heaven etc.  Today kevin and i were talking about Hannah and he said "Hannah was his heart" before i could ask why? he continuing saying his mom told him that is  probably because Hannah looks like me as to why she had his heart i thought that was cute. Today we stayed home and spent extra time together Kairi wanted to watch another family movie so we watched "the Smurfs" while we ate dinner Kairi's choice was Hot dogs with Veggie baked beans yesterday we watched "Hop" which was a funny movie  while we ate Chicken Alfredo, noodles and broccoli it was a great day and weekend.
Kairi doesn't have school tomorrow and Tuesday,  I'm HAPPY when she has extra days off thats more time with me since i don't have her during the week (for now) so i love the extra time.

MY FAVORITE PIC 

YOU GOT 1 MORE TIME TO FLASH THAT CAMERA. LOL

             HAPPY 4 MONTHS MY LITTLE ANGEL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

September Already...

On Wednesday Kev and I went back to Hackensack University Hospital to meet up with Sue and Dr. Beversdorf (palliative care) to pick up my necklace they ordered for me,  the necklace is unique because the pendent has Hannah's actually footprint on it, a engraved message on the back it says "Hannah our Beloved Angel." and the color of her birthstone.  All necklaces are made special for each little angel.  I couldn't wait to put mines on and show everyone, Im never taking it off, well except for showers of course.  I didn't know when kev and i decided to name this blog "FootPrints of Hannah" that Hannah's footprints would be the center of everything, Her footprints is everywhere in our life we have clay molded footprints in our living room, our bedroom has her pink painted footprint in a mom frame now I have my necklace.  It helps me feel a little closer to her and to always keep her in my view.
After we finished catching up with the ladies we decided to go over to see the PICU nurses and doctors who helped take care of Hannah, As i got off the elevator i felt a lot of anxiety my heart was racing, As we walked I spotted Hannah's old room its right in front the nurses desk so there was no running from it  it was so hard to look in that room (of course it wasn't her room anymore a new patient was in there) all the memories came back a lot of good some bad of course the day she passed is the most recent memory. I remembered her little pointer finger how she would use it to grab at her nasal or CPAP or to hold your finger I loved when she did that, i remembered the way she would stick out her tongue when she was hungry looking for something to suck on..... I remember those big bright eyes.

We got to see some of the nurses and most of the doctors unfortunately we didn't get to see the nurse who took care of Hannah until the end Danielle her last day was tuesday she moved away :-(, she was so compassionate to kevin, Hannah and myself she stayed with us and seen everything through, she took care of Hannah like she was her own even after Hannah passed she continued talking to Hannah and taking care of her i will never forget her and what she did, I just wish i could've thanked her the way I wanted too.

This hangs in our dining room (sorry for the glare)

The days are going so quickly, I cant believe we're in September already. Kairi started the 3rd grade she's getting so big and so mature, Im truly a proud parent.  As i'm sitting here writing this i'm watching my two girls laughing and playing with each other I thank God for these moments i thank Him for two healthy beautiful girls a big part of me wishing Hannah was here in my arms with me as I watch them play but that little part of me knows she had to go her time here was done.

About two days ago my little sister called me and told me the best news I had in some time our 2 cousins that we've been looking for for over 10 years contacted her on facebook they've been looking for us and decided to make a facebook hoping to find us AND IT WORKED!!  I was so excited when she told me this I couldn't wait to talk to them.  When my brother,sister and i  were kids they were always there for us when we needed them, Im not gonna lie we were some bad kids always losing our keys or getting into trouble we were latchkey kids so we ran the house and every time we were locked out they came across town to get us and take us to there house where we stayed the night.  Even though they are our cousins i always felt closer to them they were like the older sisters i've always wanted but unfortunately due to the adult family drama they moved and discontinued contact with the family they didn't want to leave us kids but it was too much and it wasn't getting better for them, i honestly don't blame them they had a hard life and sometimes in life you have to decide to remove people from you life who are no good for you or are toxic to your well being. Since my mom moved a lot it was hard for them to find us but they finally did, they cant believe how grown up we are the last time they saw me i was 13 yrs old Im now 26 with 3 kids my sister is 24 and my brother is 22 so we have a lot of catching up to do.  There away on business so it will be awhile before we see them face to face Im just happy I can talk to them over the phone and know that we will see each other soon.  I always knew this day would come.

I have Kairi this weekend, i don't think we will do much i think we are just going to relax and watch movies catch up on mommy and daughter time. I had a fun and busy labor day weekend, the reason i haven't blogged about it is because i don't remember much of it.  I am still trying to recover lol (shaking my head at myself)  Im thankful for my family without my 3 K's (Kevin,Kairi,Kaliyah) I don't know what I would do but because of them I know I have to stay strong and keep moving in Gods direction with my life sounds easier said then done but I am  truly working on it and me.  Have a good night all. Stay Blessed.

Stop living to please everyone else.  God gave you a unique heart, so do what He want you to do. -Joyce Meyer

1 Month Anniversary.

I've been writing this post since saturday 8/25/2012, exactly a month since hannah has passed away.  So many different distractions first I lost the post I wrote it just...disappeared(the only way I can describe it), sunday was church after church Kevin,Leah and I picked up my oldest daughter, my bestie and my godson and we went out to Olive garden for lunchby time we got back to new jersey it was bed time, we had a great time besides Leah's tantrum but she eventually feel asleep and all was normal again, Monday was just a lost day it went by so fast lol, and here we are today finally able to write about Hannah's 1 month anniversary.

( This first paragraph was written on saturday so that is why it says today and so forth)

Today makes a month since Hannah went to heaven.. technically Wednesday made it 4 weeks she passed away, On Wednesday Kevin, leah, His best friend Jerome and I went to Hannah's grave site to celebrate her one month in heaven we bought this cross with pretty pink roses on them and a pin that said "I LOVE YOU" after buying it I realized the roses weren't real, at first i was disappointed I wanted real roses for Hannah but in the end it worked out the lady wrote Hannah's name on the cross and her lot number since the roses are fake it will always be there (until wear and tear of course)  or until we memorize her shot.  I know know for future visits to come with our fresh flowers before we get there i assumed they sold fresh flowers. Go figure.  As I stood there watching the dirt, the fresh dirt piled on top each other, I was kind of shocked to see that i thought they would've flattened it like the rest but i guess not I don't know how that goes this is the first time having to return to a burial ground after some one was buried.  Anyway as I stood there watching the pile of dirt I couldn't grasp the fact that my little girl was down there or maybe I didn't want to grasp that its not nothing a parent should grasp.  At first I kept torturing myself wondering how does she look now in there?  My spirit told me to only talk of the good memories remember her sweet little face remember her as she was.  Kevin and i shared our memories with his best friend who didn't get to see Hannah while she was on earth. We talked about the fighter she was and how she was well known on the NICU/5th floor both floors she stayed on and the great staff she had by her side.  As I looked around i noticed two things 1. All the tombstones were were dated in the late 80's 87-88 (which i guess make sense since thats around the time my little sister passed away  2. they were all babies, some that lived only for a day and some that didn't even get to live a full day.  I felt so blessed and honored to have had Hannah for the two months i got to  know her little personality her likes and dislikes which she only had two dislike and that was a dirty diaper but who would like a dirty diaper lol secondly doctors and nurses probing at her again who would like that.

After talking we stood there in silence  i guess we all went into our own thoughts and wonders, after awhile we decided to start getting to ready to go before we left Jerome suggested we pray before we left (he's a Pastor in training) He said a heart warming beautiful prayer i felt an extra presence with us as we prayed my eyes were closed i pictured it was God or one of his angels with Hannah in there arms standing there with us as we prayed.  I was happy with our visit with Hannah i didn't cry it was all good except for the fact that we had to leave her, I know its not "her" just her body not her spirit her spirit is with me forever :-) but it still felt unnatural. Happy 1 month Anniversary my Little Hannah I love and miss you so much.

That was our 1 month visit with Hannah the first of many.....

Psalms 30 (NKJV)
1 I will extol you, O Lord, for you have lifted me up, And
have not let my foes rejoice over me.  2 O lord my god, I cried out to you,
and you healed me.  3 O Lord you brought my soul up from the grave; You have
kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. 4 Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of his,
And give thanks at the remembrance of his holy name.  5 For his anger is but for a moment, His favor
is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.  6 Now in my prosperity i said, "I shall never be moved."  7 Lord,by your favor you have made my mountain stand strong; You hid your face, and i was troubled. 8  I cried out to you, O Lord; and to the Lord I made supplication: 9 "What profit is there in my blood, When i go down to the pit?  Will the dust praise you? Will it declare your truth? 10 Hear, O Lord and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!  11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, 12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to you and not be silent.  O lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.

Healing a day at a time

Yesterday Kevin and i came to NYC with the kids to buy Kairi's school uniform clothes and drop her off to spend the rest of the summer with her dad :-( it breaks my heart every time she goes especially now after everything i've been real clingy with my kids don't really want them out my sight but i know there nothing i can do she has to spend time with her daddy and his family, i know she is in good hands.  After we dropped Kairi i wanted to do something just go somewhere to help me take some of my mind off Hannah and these past few weeks, we decided to go to the movies since my sister works at a movie theater we wouldn't have to pay.  We picked Ted to watch you know something funny and hopefully not boring the movie started at midnight, it was around 10:30pm so we had time to spear so we went to the pier in Canarsie,  Kevin and i use to always go there to talk, argue, make up that was our spot we haven't been there in so long.  As i stood there looking at the water i wondered where was Hannah at that moment? the obvious answer is Heaven but that i wanted more where EXACTLY is she? i didn't have the answer and neither did kevin.  I told him about the dream i had the night before about Hannah, i was back at the hospital and Hannah was there laying in her crib but when i looked she had a trach i picked her up and held her close a nurse walked by and said i thought she passed away i said so did i in the dream i'm sitting there remembering her funereal and wondering what happened i continued holding her and said i would wait until the doctors came in to ask him what happened and how did Hannah end up with a trach let alone alive again?  but unfortunately i didn't get that far in the dream i woke up :-/ (of course that would happen) we discussed my dream i knew i had that dream because i feel i should've  pushed for a trach i should've done more  to keep Hannah with us, Kevin didn't even let that thought settle in my mind he reminded me that wasn't the life we wanted for Hannah or our girls i knew that but GOD i didn't want her to die but i didn't want her like that either  i know i said this a million times but i just wanted to hold her so bad,  i cried he comforted me and we continued looking at the water at that moment i knew we need to go to a group and talk with other grieving parents and some therapy because Kevin's answers weren't doing it anymore i needed more. 

   Last minute i decided i didn't want  to go to the movies it wasn't going to help me clear my mind i would've sat there looking at the screen but not have the slightest idea what the movie was about (thats been happening to me a lot lately) I told kevin i did not want to go to the movies i wanted to do something but didn't know what he said lets go play pool i smiled without me saying anything he knew what i needed when i didn't even know what i needed.  We played pool for almost 3 hours it was after 2am when we left it was great it took my mind of the everything and i kicked Kevin's butt lol couldn't ask for a better night.  Thank you baby I love you.

I've always wanted to play softball the women looked cool and the sport is fun since i live in NJ theres a lot of women softball teams, i told Kevin i wanted to play for a team but of course i need training and who else better to train me then Kevin he use to coach his little brothers baseball team so he knows a thing or two.  Today was my first day of training we went to sea view parks field and began training i did pretty good he taught me how to catch ground balls, fly balls, how to hold my glove, how to protect my face and body from being hit with the ball.  A lot of running and moving it felt good it was training and exercise a two for one i need the exercise even though my legs and arms are sore i feel energized. I need to lose my baby fat starting from my first born who is now 8 years old and work my way down so i have a lot of work to do, i'm going to use this energy and get things done lose some weight, join a soft ball team, go back to school and become a respiratory therapist those are my short and long term plans.  

Tomorrow i'm going to church it will be the first time back since Hannah was born, a lot of people didn't know about Hannah's Diagnoses they do know she passed away i received a lot of beautiful condolences card from member's of my church this will be the first time i m gonna be around a large group of people who knows what happened its easy to go out and be around strangers they don't know whats going on so i can go forward with my day but tomorrow i know someone is gonna want to know exactly what happened?  i would want to know too, i just wouldn't be bold enough to ask.  I've prepared myself to answer questions and speak about Hannah i want everyone to know about my little angel, most importantly i cant wait to hear the word to hear what GOD has to tell me, i've been avoiding God and haven't spoken to him about Hannah since she passed away this morning was the first time i spoke to him honestly and told God how i felt about what happened after i opened my bible which is something i haven't done since Hannah passed away i read for over an hour from the KJV,NKJV and The Messenger  i felt a lot of the weight and pressure i was feeling slowly coming off of me as i read by time i was done i felt rejuvenated. I need to feel His presences i need His word to get me through this, here is one i read this is how i feel inside.

Psalms 31:9-(NKJV) ( this whole chapter is good but this stood out for me)

"9.Have mercy on me, O Lord, for i am in trouble: My eyes waste away with grief, yes my

soul and my body! 10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing; My strength fails

because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. 11 I am a reproach among my neighbors and am repulsive to my acquaintances; Those who see me outside flee from me. 12 I am like a broken vessel".

I know He will heal me if i let him and stop trying to heal myself. 

 

2 weeks without Hannah....

Its been 2 weeks since Hannah has passed away...... the days are just going by, for the most part i am good i have my days when my thoughts get the best of me i wonder if i should've intervene with what was happening tell them to do whatever they had to intubate her, tracheotomy whatever it took to keep her alive as my thoughts keep racing the other half of my thoughts jump in and remind me that isn't what i wanted for Hannah i couldn't live with myself seeing her everyday with a whole in her throat getting all her breathing support from a vent machine for some thats enough for them and i don't knock them for there choice but for me and mines i couldn't keep holding on to her like that i wanted Hannah to be a part of our family not just a member of our family.  As much as i miss her i am happy for her no more suffering, no more needles and being poked at, no test, no more being held to one area because of machines attached to her...Hannah is free, free from all of it and that brings a warm feeling to my heart.


When Hannah was alive a lot of kevin's time and mine was devoted to Hannah unfortunately our two other girls were getting the short end of the stick we weren't able to do the things the kids wanted to do for summer especially my oldest Kairi.  Kairi was old enough to know what was going on with a lot of understanding but she wanted her time too she wanted to go places and do things i tried as much as i can to do with her i took her to coney island, sesame place, and some family pool parties or have family do things with her. what makes it harder is that i only have Kairi for half the summer then she goes to her dad for the other half.  Hannah was in the hospital the whole summer so when she passed away after my mind was clear i thought now i can take Kairi to the beach like she's been asking the whole summer to go.  We decided to go to beach today only the forecast shows rain for the rest of the week and Kairi leaves tomorrow so we did the next best thing WE WENT TO MEDIEVAL TIMES!!!! we had a great time i've never been there until today, Kevin and i definitely going back great food, great show *whispering* Handsome knights what more can i ask for? oh and most importantly Kairi had a great time even leah enjoyed the shows rooting for the yellow side waving her banner it felt good to be out and not worrying about Hannah or trying to hurry whatever we are doing so i can get back to Hannah's side or looking at my phone to see if i missed the hospitals call.

go yellow team!!!!

excuse my uhhh clevage smh. wish kev would've seen that.

Footprints of Hannah with me everyday.

Through all this i respect family time so much more its definitely important it was important before but now it's like a must i don't care how busy our life gets when its time for family time everyone better be there thats more for kevin and i right now since the kids are young they have no choice.  I appreciate having them around me more i'm possessive now i don't want to let them out my sight lol.  For some reason Leah is really clingy she doesn't let me out her sight..at all lol its like she's my protector i love it though i kinda use her too when i miss Hannah or wish i could kiss her little soft cheeks  i start kissing and hugging up on leah, the love i cant give to Hannah anymore physically i give it to leah and Kairi (when Kairi lets me she's hormonal lol).  My only regret is i never got to take a picture with all of my girls together and a family portrait with all of us together other then that i am content.

The Funeral and the day after

The weekend was going by so slow and just like that today is tuesday.  Yesterday was Hannah's funeral she looked so beautiful with her purple little headband and her cream gown made just for her (from Isaiah's promise).  As i walked in the funeral home my heart started racing i was so scared about seeing Hannah again in a coffin knowing this would be the last time i ever see her.  I walked over to her and automatically started crying she looked so beautiful, so peaceful she took my breathe away.  I just stood there watching my little angel wishing this wasn't my last time seeing her little face (on earth anyway).  Family and friends starting arriving to see Hannah a lot of tears and emotions, Dr. Jamie Beversdorf, Susan Cohen, Denise a colleague of Dr. Kipel who was one of Hannah's cardiologist very sweet women, another women came with Denise from there office unfortunately i didn't get her name :-(, of course our parents were there, my sister Adrianne, Kevin's brother Stephan, Kevin's cousins and there significant other, a good friend of mine from church Jennifer came with her partner ,  god parents, more family etc.  A little after 10am the service was ready to start,  Pastor Bell who came to see Hannah a few times in the hospital and who also is a great speaker was to speak i was pleasantly surprised when i seen our Pastor Pastor Tyrone Stevenson come in to speak last i heard he was unable to attend Hannah's service he had a funeral out of town to attend too, i understood it was ok but here he was to speak at Hannah's funeral :-).


Pastor Stevenson gave such a great word it was moving, uplifting, just what we needed he brought added light to Hannah's life out of all the great things he said the one thing that stuck out for me was her time he explained that even though Hannah only lived for 2 months the time was still so much longer then the eye can see in hours she lived for 1,460.97, in minutes 87,658.1, in seconds 5,259,490 my heart and face smiled 5 billion seconds that sounds so much longer then 2 months huh? in that 5 billion plus seconds Hannah touched so many life's and people i will never forget that the hours, minutes and me  my most favorite the seconds of Hannah's life.   My oldest Kairi wrote a letter to Hannah and wanted to read it to everyone before she placed the letter with Hannah her words were on point she spoke about God taking Hannah's pain away and Hannah watching over her big sisters i was so proud to hear kairi speak about her baby sister.  Last but not least kevin spoke he wrote Hannah a beautiful poem it brought tears to my eyes he's always been good with words and poems he proved that once again with his poem.

After all the the beautiful words about Hannah was over it was time for everyone to pay there last respects before they......closed the casket *sigh* that was the hardest part i didn't want them to close it i wanted to run over to her and save her take her out of that box where she didn't belong and protect her like i've been doing for the past 11 months (pregnancy and birth) but i knew that the body i saw laying there wasn't Hannah anymore it was just her shell Hannah had moved on to a better place, a place i pray to go one day (no time soon of course ;-) lol).  We drove to the burial ground the whole time i was wondering how do they transport her little box? i wouldn't call it a casket it was so small, we arrived at the burial ground as we drove through the burial ground i looked at the different head stones and read all the different dates some family sites, some were babies, there were all different kinds. they set on her  site as we all looked at the casket one more time, my little sister wanted me to open the casket one more time but i couldn't take having to open  see her there and watching them close it again plus it was sunny and bright outside i didn't want the sun to hurt Hannah's eyes, still being a protective mom.  After everything was done my family and friends we went to eat we laughed we talked we shared stories i felt good. I felt my job was done.


About 25 years ago my mother buried my baby sister who was a little over a year, when we went to the funeral home a day after Hannah passed away i mentioned to them my mom had buried a child in new jersey, after doing some research we found out we were able to use the same land there was room for hannah since my little sister casket was small and of course Hannah's is small too.  This blew my mind because who knew donkey years later i would be 1. burying my own child 2. it would be in the same spot my sister was buried, life is so unpredictable and funny i'm sure my mother never thought the spot she buried her daughter would be the spot she comes too to bury her granddaughter too, but i tell who did know our heavenly father he knew all this would come together the way it did.  Before Hannah's passing i never visited my sister grave it was something we never did for whatever reason.  Hannah isn't alone she has her auntie with her that makes me feel a little better.  My little sister didn't have a tombstone so kevin and i decided to get a 2 in 1 for both of them i'm thinking of something with intwined hearts with there names on it.

Today was a ok day i didn't feel like doing much, it took all day just to write this post.  i would come and go one minute i was interacting with the family feeling good then the next minute i would be sad and can stop thinking about Hannah.  After the funeral service my pastor said kevin and i would need counseling when he first said i was no we will be fine ( i thought it i didn't say it to him) but after today i know for sure i am going to need it i cant control the emotions i go through its up and down  and i am not use to this i usually control my emotions you wouldn't even know i'm upset about things but this i feel like i'm wearing it on my heart and shoulders i know its going to take time but how much time? no one knows just gotta go through the motion.  The good thing is i do talk to kevin and express when i'm hurting and my feelings i've learned holding things in and letting it fester isn't good.  One day at a time with god's mercy and strength it will all work out for the good.

Sing softly the song of my angel

Sing softly the song of my angel
Let the angel let you sleep for my angel
in her wisdom has begun her angel song.

Sing softly the songs of my angel
It holds the angel power, it lets the
angel let you laugh, it lets the angel
make you cry.

Sing softly the song of my angel
In my angel you must trust my angel only
cares for you. My angel wont let anyone hurt you.

When you are lonely just close your eyes, sing softly
 the song of my angel for my angel is with you.

So sing softly the song of my angel
let my angel let you sleep for my angel
in her wisdom has begun her angel song.
By Kevin Joseph

Joshua 1:9 NLT
This is my command-Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid
or discouraged.  For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Amen.

Its almost here

Hannah's funerals service will be held tomorrow. The viewing is from 9am-10am, the service following right after and she will be laid to rest.  I keep asking God for strength and remembering all the t-18 mommies who had to go through this.  Reminding myself how strong i am because of Hannah, reminding myself i have two beautiful girls who need me now more then ever. A day at a time remind myself.  Over the weekend another mom whose son passed away from trisomy 18 did a balloon release for all the babies who have passed on this year as i was looking through the pictures and names there was Hannah's beautiful name and Balloon my tears came down but not because i was sad it was happy tears for this beautiful gesture of the mother and the balloon reminded how free Hannah is.

Today i go buy our clothes for tomorrow i don't want to face this day but i know i have too, its like i do want to face it so i see Hannah's face again but then i don't because that will be the last time i see her face.  So much up and downs but with god strength i will be fine.  Right now this is a open wound and it hurts like hell i have keep it clean take care of it so it doesn't get infected i have to make sure it heals without a nasty scar.  One step at a time.

Hannahs balloon i love the four hearts, theres my heart, kevins,kairi and Kaliyahs heart we all love you very much.

Funeral service

Santangelo Funeral Home

635 Mcbride ave Woodland park, New jersey

viewing from 9am-10pm

service following right after.