Sunday, September 16, 2012


  I was reading a blog posting from another mom whose daughter has trisomy 18, she was talking about her daughter getting her shots and not being able to protect her from the pain all she could do was  comfort her while she was in pain by holding her close letting her know mommy was there. She knew her daughter needed these shots but wanting to spare her from the pain, not wanting her daughter to ever wonder why mommy just stood there and let them hurt me. I so understand what this mom meant i use to feel the same way every time the doctors came in to do some procedure on Hannah or when i use to look at her little  heel and she had so many little scars from them sticking her heel for blood, I knew she needed to have her blood drawn and the different procedures to make sure her levels were all good but Hannah didn't understand that, It use to break my heart i knew she needs these things done but i hated seeing her in pain so i made it my job to always comfort her as any parent would want to do for there child.   This mom used her story to show how God feels when we are in pain, he cant prevent it but He will comfort us, swaddle us, rock us in his arms and let us know everything will be alright. Through this i have felt God comfort me and let me know everything will be alright. I continued reading her post she wrote about when she was younger and immature   she would blaming God asking "How could God allow this to Happen? What did i do to deserve this? man o man how familiar but my questions to god weren't exactly the same mines were "is God punishing me for past mistakes?  Did God take Hannah because i failed in some way? as i continued reading she reminded me that God doesn't work like that (which i know) He is a caring and compassionate god who's son SUFFERED and DIED for us. For me that blew my mind as i thought about it it hit me  God knows what i'm feeling He watch his only begotten son be tortured,brutalized and murdered.

 God is not punishing me Hannah could never be a punishment my time with her has blessed me in so many ways, she changed me for the better.  I believe her job on earth was to bring me closer to God, my family and to bring me out of my shell. How did she bring me out my shell?  I had to talk to people, I had to express my feeling (which is something i didn't do) use my words and make sure i was being heard. I realized to get through my pregnancy with Hannah i would have to express my opinion and what i wanted for Hannah so i did, i also realized if i was gonna go through this i needed support, i needed words to help me when i felt overwhelmed or was facing the impossible and God delivered this through his word and through the people he brought in my life.

Today Hannah would of been 4 months I smile and my heart aches a little  when i say that i wonder what new things she would've been doing, I also wonder where would we be today would she be home? would we still be in the hospital?  Guess it doesn't matter anymore what i do know for sure is Hannah is at peace and is a  happy baby.  Days like today always make me feel...i don't want to say blue but i miss her extra hard on days like today and i haven't even come across the real hard ones 6mos, 1 year bday, 1 year anniversary in heaven etc.  Today kevin and i were talking about Hannah and he said "Hannah was his heart" before i could ask why? he continuing saying his mom told him that is  probably because Hannah looks like me as to why she had his heart i thought that was cute. Today we stayed home and spent extra time together Kairi wanted to watch another family movie so we watched "the Smurfs" while we ate dinner Kairi's choice was Hot dogs with Veggie baked beans yesterday we watched "Hop" which was a funny movie  while we ate Chicken Alfredo, noodles and broccoli it was a great day and weekend.
Kairi doesn't have school tomorrow and Tuesday,  I'm HAPPY when she has extra days off thats more time with me since i don't have her during the week (for now) so i love the extra time.




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