Its been 2 weeks since Hannah has passed away...... the days are just going by, for the most part i am good i have my days when my thoughts get the best of me i wonder if i should've intervene with what was happening tell them to do whatever they had to intubate her, tracheotomy whatever it took to keep her alive as my thoughts keep racing the other half of my thoughts jump in and remind me that isn't what i wanted for Hannah i couldn't live with myself seeing her everyday with a whole in her throat getting all her breathing support from a vent machine for some thats enough for them and i don't knock them for there choice but for me and mines i couldn't keep holding on to her like that i wanted Hannah to be a part of our family not just a member of our family. As much as i miss her i am happy for her no more suffering, no more needles and being poked at, no test, no more being held to one area because of machines attached to her...Hannah is free, free from all of it and that brings a warm feeling to my heart.
When Hannah was alive a lot of kevin's time and mine was devoted to Hannah unfortunately our two other girls were getting the short end of the stick we weren't able to do the things the kids wanted to do for summer especially my oldest Kairi. Kairi was old enough to know what was going on with a lot of understanding but she wanted her time too she wanted to go places and do things i tried as much as i can to do with her i took her to coney island, sesame place, and some family pool parties or have family do things with her. what makes it harder is that i only have Kairi for half the summer then she goes to her dad for the other half. Hannah was in the hospital the whole summer so when she passed away after my mind was clear i thought now i can take Kairi to the beach like she's been asking the whole summer to go. We decided to go to beach today only the forecast shows rain for the rest of the week and Kairi leaves tomorrow so we did the next best thing WE WENT TO MEDIEVAL TIMES!!!! we had a great time i've never been there until today, Kevin and i definitely going back great food, great show *whispering* Handsome knights what more can i ask for? oh and most importantly Kairi had a great time even leah enjoyed the shows rooting for the yellow side waving her banner it felt good to be out and not worrying about Hannah or trying to hurry whatever we are doing so i can get back to Hannah's side or looking at my phone to see if i missed the hospitals call.
 |
go yellow team!!!!
|
 |
| excuse my uhhh clevage smh. wish kev would've seen that. |
 |
| Footprints of Hannah with me everyday. |
Through all this i respect family time so much more its definitely important it was important before but now it's like a must i don't care how busy our life gets when its time for family time everyone better be there thats more for kevin and i right now since the kids are young they have no choice. I appreciate having them around me more i'm possessive now i don't want to let them out my sight lol. For some reason Leah is really clingy she doesn't let me out her sight..at all lol its like she's my protector i love it though i kinda use her too when i miss Hannah or wish i could kiss her little soft cheeks i start kissing and hugging up on leah, the love i cant give to Hannah anymore physically i give it to leah and Kairi (when Kairi lets me she's hormonal lol). My only regret is i never got to take a picture with all of my girls together and a family portrait with all of us together other then that i am content.
No comments:
Post a Comment