Saturday, August 11, 2012

Healing a day at a time

Yesterday Kevin and i came to NYC with the kids to buy Kairi's school uniform clothes and drop her off to spend the rest of the summer with her dad :-( it breaks my heart every time she goes especially now after everything i've been real clingy with my kids don't really want them out my sight but i know there nothing i can do she has to spend time with her daddy and his family, i know she is in good hands.  After we dropped Kairi i wanted to do something just go somewhere to help me take some of my mind off Hannah and these past few weeks, we decided to go to the movies since my sister works at a movie theater we wouldn't have to pay.  We picked Ted to watch you know something funny and hopefully not boring the movie started at midnight, it was around 10:30pm so we had time to spear so we went to the pier in Canarsie,  Kevin and i use to always go there to talk, argue, make up that was our spot we haven't been there in so long.  As i stood there looking at the water i wondered where was Hannah at that moment? the obvious answer is Heaven but that i wanted more where EXACTLY is she? i didn't have the answer and neither did kevin.  I told him about the dream i had the night before about Hannah, i was back at the hospital and Hannah was there laying in her crib but when i looked she had a trach i picked her up and held her close a nurse walked by and said i thought she passed away i said so did i in the dream i'm sitting there remembering her funereal and wondering what happened i continued holding her and said i would wait until the doctors came in to ask him what happened and how did Hannah end up with a trach let alone alive again?  but unfortunately i didn't get that far in the dream i woke up :-/ (of course that would happen) we discussed my dream i knew i had that dream because i feel i should've  pushed for a trach i should've done more  to keep Hannah with us, Kevin didn't even let that thought settle in my mind he reminded me that wasn't the life we wanted for Hannah or our girls i knew that but GOD i didn't want her to die but i didn't want her like that either  i know i said this a million times but i just wanted to hold her so bad,  i cried he comforted me and we continued looking at the water at that moment i knew we need to go to a group and talk with other grieving parents and some therapy because Kevin's answers weren't doing it anymore i needed more. 
   Last minute i decided i didn't want  to go to the movies it wasn't going to help me clear my mind i would've sat there looking at the screen but not have the slightest idea what the movie was about (thats been happening to me a lot lately) I told kevin i did not want to go to the movies i wanted to do something but didn't know what he said lets go play pool i smiled without me saying anything he knew what i needed when i didn't even know what i needed.  We played pool for almost 3 hours it was after 2am when we left it was great it took my mind of the everything and i kicked Kevin's butt lol couldn't ask for a better night.  Thank you baby I love you.

I've always wanted to play softball the women looked cool and the sport is fun since i live in NJ theres a lot of women softball teams, i told Kevin i wanted to play for a team but of course i need training and who else better to train me then Kevin he use to coach his little brothers baseball team so he knows a thing or two.  Today was my first day of training we went to sea view parks field and began training i did pretty good he taught me how to catch ground balls, fly balls, how to hold my glove, how to protect my face and body from being hit with the ball.  A lot of running and moving it felt good it was training and exercise a two for one i need the exercise even though my legs and arms are sore i feel energized. I need to lose my baby fat starting from my first born who is now 8 years old and work my way down so i have a lot of work to do, i'm going to use this energy and get things done lose some weight, join a soft ball team, go back to school and become a respiratory therapist those are my short and long term plans.  

Tomorrow i'm going to church it will be the first time back since Hannah was born, a lot of people didn't know about Hannah's Diagnoses they do know she passed away i received a lot of beautiful condolences card from member's of my church this will be the first time i m gonna be around a large group of people who knows what happened its easy to go out and be around strangers they don't know whats going on so i can go forward with my day but tomorrow i know someone is gonna want to know exactly what happened?  i would want to know too, i just wouldn't be bold enough to ask.  I've prepared myself to answer questions and speak about Hannah i want everyone to know about my little angel, most importantly i cant wait to hear the word to hear what GOD has to tell me, i've been avoiding God and haven't spoken to him about Hannah since she passed away this morning was the first time i spoke to him honestly and told God how i felt about what happened after i opened my bible which is something i haven't done since Hannah passed away i read for over an hour from the KJV,NKJV and The Messenger  i felt a lot of the weight and pressure i was feeling slowly coming off of me as i read by time i was done i felt rejuvenated. I need to feel His presences i need His word to get me through this, here is one i read this is how i feel inside.

Psalms 31:9-(NKJV) ( this whole chapter is good but this stood out for me)
"9.Have mercy on me, O Lord, for i am in trouble: My eyes waste away with grief, yes my
soul and my body! 10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing; My strength fails
because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. 11 I am a reproach among my neighbors and am repulsive to my acquaintances; Those who see me outside flee from me. 12 I am like a broken vessel".

I know He will heal me if i let him and stop trying to heal myself. 

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