REALITY..

Hi everyone, these past few days have been so crazy and busy we had to move over the weekend even though i didnt do anything it was still tiring im so thankful for kevin he really stepped in and did his thing as he always does, we found a really nice place im excitied about moving in we officially move in tomorrow but i will officially go there friday im happy we found a place before my due date i was worried about that but relieved we did with gods help of course.  Thursday i will be 39 weeks its coming so quickly reality is starting to set in.  2 moms from different parts of the world gave birth to babies with trisomy 18 this week... one lived and one passed away at birth, i've given my situation to god and asked him to do what he sees fit but that doesnt mean my fears go away it doesnt mean i know im going to get what i want...when i start thinking or feeling like this i know its my flesh the human way of thinking. I told someone  how i was feeling  they told me "they were worried about my faith in this situation" I was speechless, in the beginning of this i had some faith not that strong  but through out this i've been walking on nothing but faith, my faith through out this has grown so much what i realized at that moment is no matter how much people are in my corner supporting me in my decision im still alone unless you have gone through this you dont and wouldnt know what it feels like that is why i am so thankful for the moms i do have to speak to on a regular basis that have been through this they give me so much strength to know regardless what happens i will be ok, i will be strong, i will live for me and my family.

I've been feeling a lot of pressure and she's dropped so i know its gonna happen soon i want her to wait til at least may 1st Hannah could come anyday after that not too far after that she has until may 3rd then we starting the eviction process lol a part of me wishes i could keep her in there forever where i know she's safe but the other part is like this baby has got to get out now!!!. I am so excited to meet Hannah my first time meeting an angel she's changed my life so much for the good and i will always love her for that, deep down i have a feeling i haven't seen anything yet she's going to do so much more in mine and other peoples life.  All the parents who have gone through this tell me the samething be selfish with her enjoy every minute i have with her and kevin of course and thats exactly what i plan on doing being selfish and enjoying my angel until god calls her home weither thats minutes,hours,days,months or years im going to enjoy my daughter and let her know she is loved by so many people. 

Psalms 139 verse 13-14
13 For you formed my inward parts; you
covered me in my mothers womb. 14 I will
praise you,for i am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are your works, And that my soul knows
very well.

NO PLACE LIKE HOME...

Finally home *sigh* these past few days long but o be honest i got a lot of rest i needed but now i'm home back at it.  I have so much prescriptions its crazy i look like those old women with a bag full medication when they call for 911 and you ask for the medication there taking they come come with a big white plastic bag full of medication well for the next week or so THATS ME!!!!! its ok its only temporarily i hope this isn't my future i rebuke it in the name of jesus. Im happy i'm out the hospital and hannah is still inside me getting stronger 2 or 3 weeks and i'm back at Hackensack University Hospital to deliver my miracle baby. Im all showered belly fed now its to jump in my bed thank you for those who took the time to out see how we were doing and again thank you to those who have been with us from the beginning of this and who be there in the end well thats it goodnight i will keep you guys updated if things change....xoxoxo

Day 3 in the hospital

Glory be to god i'm getting better talking a lot better and getting stronger unfortunately there still not telling me when i will be released because without oxygen my o2 saturation( oxygen intake) is low but everyday is another day of improvement.  Hannah is doing great she's comfortable vitals are stabile and no talk of having to induce labor or anything like that thank god, i was suppose to post something on my blog but i was too tired i haven't slept in two not being able to breathe so now i'm breathing better i used yesterday to catch up on my sleep but here i am today on the day the lord has made for me and you.  I miss my girls so much Kairi is on her spring break in maryland with her grandma she doesn't know i' m in the hospital don't want to ruin her trip but i've  talked to her everyday via phone or texting its so funny texting a 8 year old when i was her age i was just hype to talk on a house phone now these kids are texting and oovoo-ing thats leah thing my 14 month old she oovoo's with her grandma lol too funny.

My mom has been so much help to me and kevin these past few days i'm so happy to see my mom step up and help us not to say she wouldn't but its just different this time, it made me realize you have to let people do at there own time its so much better that way instead of forcing or making people feel guilty for what there use too, something has to click in the persons head for them to get it and i think it clicked in my moms head, too be honest she's all i ever had with little issues and money problem she was always there but this is the best and leah loves and adore her grandmother (probably because leah runs the house) but they have a relationship and i love that since my mom has leah kevin can focus on me i can focus on getting better not worrying about leah it helps a lot.  I love my mom and thankful for her and all those who have been here with me since day one.

Its thursday people y'all should know what that means if not well i will tell you today i am 37 weeks im considered full term  this makes me want to get out my hospital bed and bust a holy spirit dance god is good...no scratch that chicken is good god is magnificent, amazing, worthy all those uplifting words im praying i go all the way to may 1st or 2nd i want a may baby even though my mom wants a april baby cause she's the only april person in the family but for some reason i think may suits hannah i still have so much to do pack my bags hannah's bag PLUS we are in the process of looking for another place because where we are staying isn't suitable for the winter i'm not waiting for next winter the house is too old and he cant fix that problem were  trying to move before i have the baby so we will see what happens with that keep us in your prayers so much so little time but i know i can handle it and all will fall into place.

Some good news there thinking about letting me go tomorrow yay!!!! WOOO HOOO hopefully
that does happen and there not playing with my emotions i got to see my little mama today it was so good to see her i feel like she got so big in that one day i didn't see her.  My mom's job was able to give her another night off so that was great so kevin could stay and keep me company and hopefully im out of here tomorrow to come back in about 2 to 3 weeks lol well that is it for tonight thank you for the feedback from the readers it motivates me to keep writing and hopefully one day i can help another going through something like this. stay blessed

In the Hospital....

Well hello everyone things were so quiet nothing to really blog about that is until yesterday when i had the worst asthma attack ever OMG i'm still in the hospital because of it they admitted me and everything because my breathing refuses to get better these doctors have tried everything steroids magnesiums treatments out the waazoo nothing worked so today they called in the big boys first they were talking about talking me to ICU but before they do that they called in the pulmonary doctor and she's gonna try and work her magic so far i am getting relief as long as i stay still but once i move to go to the bathroom or stretch my legs the shortness of breathe comes right back with the tightness and wheezing thankful she knows what she's doing she's been pumping me all the different bronchi-dilators the only sucky part i have to wear this oxygen mask all the time after a while i start feeling claustrophobic but its working tonight i feel a lot better getting rid of a lot of back-up mucus which helps me inhale better so i can take my treatments better, i just thank god i'm starting to feel better i was scared for me and Hannah i didn't want to get intubated or sent up to ICU glory be to god Hannah is stable and im getting better slowly but surely.

Now because of this bad asthma attack one of the OB/GYN high risk doctors that i see came in to speak to me today he feels it isn't safe for me to have a cesarean because of how bad my asthma is he's concerned that if i have to sedated things could go downhill for me and he doesn't feel its worth it because of our baby prognosis that i should just go for a vaginal delivery don't monitor hannah just let whatever happens happens i personally didn't like when he said that because wether she's incompatible with life or a normal full term baby she will always be worth it to me in our eyes she is perfect already...now putting those mommy feelings aside i understand what he was trying to say because of all the steroids they are giving me my incision would take longer to heal, other complications could happen that i didn't consider, ok, so  i told the doctor i had  to speak to my fiancee first and we would get back to him i spoke to kevin and he agreed with the doctor he felt if i could possible be at risk going into the operating room it wasn't worth it i came first and its his job to protect me first, me as a mother i'm thinking well i would do whatever i had to do to get Hannah here alive until god calls her home but as i kept thinking about it i remembered i really didn't want to have a c-section and the only reason i was doing it was because the other OB/GYN kept putting in my head that trisomy 18 babies don't do good with vaginal delivery which i knew different cause most parents with trisomy 18 babies were born vaginally anyway kevin and i decided to go back to our original plan and have a vaginal delivery so no scheduled c-section now we wait on Ms. Hannah to make her surprise appearance....well until tomorrow talk to you all then..

Its Going Down...

   So yesterday was my palliative care appointment they talk with kevin and i about our concerns, fears things like that.  It was a great visit they helped us put the finishing  touch on our birthing plan best of all Kairi was finally able to meet with them i was so happy about that they were  able to talk to kai through her emotions, about hannah the possibilities and whatever other questions she will have, kairi also got to tour the NICU and met some of the nurses her favorite part of the tour was the snack area of course lol i'm hoping they can talk to her dad too the more the better.  I also got scheduled for my c-section yay!!!!...i'm lying i'm scared out of my mind i don't like c-sections never had one i was trying to keep my record  but in this case i know it will be worth it and i'm giving my fears to my lord he knows what to do with it, as it gets closer i will definitely let u guys know when its going down i just don't wanna jinx it lol even though my faith tells me she will make it til my c-section date... i'm still gonna wait til it gets closer.  I took kairi back home, me,kevin and her dad talked some more and we are on the same page im just happy we all can talk and get along its been rough but we are still family and we will be that way.... Its just amazing how everything and everyone is falling into place.  Now the last thing i need to do is talk to my little sister about what i expect from her that day i love that girl to death my favorite-ist sister in the world but lord she is from another planet and i don't want no problems or her getting into it with nurses and doctors most importantly her blonde questions or blonde comments us as family understand that Adrianne isn't wrap to tight but other people might not understand her so i will have a list for her of DO's and DONT's and pretty much just stay quiet.  Pray for me y'all....and her lol.

LEAVE IT TO HIM....

Its been a few days since i wrote on my blog, first much wasn't going on and lately i've been feeling a little more tired then usual besides that everything has been good Hannah is still active i have a doctors appointment tomorrow so hopefully i can get some more information or answers i would like answers on scheduling my c-section.  Thursday made 34 weeks 6 more weeks to go.  These past few weeks something has been heavy on my heart i didn't really talk about it because  i knew much change wasn't gonna come from it but when you give god your problems he always fixes it. About two weeks ago i told kairi's dad that i wanted her to be present with the rest of family once the baby was born he felt it wasn't a good idea to expose her to something this traumatic since to him anyway she's been through so much  he wanted me to wait until i knew the status of the baby give it a few weeks then let her see her sister against what i really felt i agreed but it was really bothering me my kids are my proof that i can overcome anything especially with  kairi she's my first that girl was with me when i had no idea what i was doing as a parent she went through so much with me, now leah's is here thats my love child both of them together makes me such a stronger person and to look around and see kevin's and my family there but no kairi would've eaten me up i spoke to her dad again on friday and told him how i really felt we went back or forth on wether it was a good idea or not he felt her getting attached to the baby and then the baby dying would be hard on her but i feel its her sister and she has a right to be around her as long as she can, yes its gonna be hard on her its gonna be hard on everyone and with the right help kairi would be fine i rather her see her sister alive then to be mad at me that i didn't let her be apart of getting to know her sister we decided we would see what happens as time got closer.  Yesterday i went to church and for the first time he didn't have a message prepared he said he was doing something different that sunday he said god told him to tell his people to bring our problem to him, things that are heavy on our hearts, things been bothering us, he opened the alter and those who wanted went up and prayed and the rest could stay at there seat and pray i stayed at my seat and prayed i really prayed and told god exactly how i was feeling and what i wanted from the whole service was spent praying to god it felt really peaceful service was over.

Monday morning (today) i woke up did my morning prayer as usual went into the living room kevin said Abdul called and he said he will bring kairi to the hospital the day of the delivery i was happy to hear that and thankful to god of course that he agreed to bring her but of course he had to add his own demands that she could only stay for a few hours because he doesn't want her to spent the day grieving but little does he know there will be no grieving because i have faith hannah will be here for a little while i will take whatever god gives us, already i feel god is going to do some amazing things with hannah in our life's, that doesn't necessarily mean she's going to live (god knows i would love for my baby to live) but what i do know is hannah will impact lives she's already done so in my life i never knew i could ever be this strong and i know there will be more lessons from hannah in my life, her dads life, Kairi's life and those few who will be in hannah's life........

GOOD START SO FAR.....

HOLA everyone,

Even though its tuesday its been a busy two days yesterday we had a cardiologist appointment that went ok no changes in Hannah's heart which isn't shocking we did find out the whole is pretty big its between a quarter and half a dollar size i didn't think it was so big even though surgery can be done if all goes well its still nerve wrecking knowing my little baby might have to under the knife....im depending on god to give me the strength to get through it.  We also got our MRI results the results came back unremarkable everything in hannah's brain is intact and functioning no concern in the brain, theres fluid in the belly which leaves us to assume she is swallowing so thats GREAT!!! kidneys are normal size,bladder was normally distended everything appeared to be on point glory be to god the only thing was the fluid i have more fluid then should be the doctors aren't alarmed at the moment i was so happy with MRI results.

Today we had two appointments uggghs!!! the first one was ultrasound to check on the baby's growth and make sure everything is going good inside of there and so far so good no changes baby is growing according to due date, right now she weighs 4lbs 3ozs :-) we were definitely happy to hear her weight usually babies with trisomy 18 are born at 4lbs so this is definitely a blessing, we finished with ultrasound we headed upstairs to the NICU to meet with the neonatologist unfortunately leah wasn't able to enter the NICU which we knew from yesterday but since it was last minute it was hard to find a babysitter for today thankfully the doctor or nurse( im not sure what her title is) from yesterday she got along so well with leah  she volunteered to meet us at our appointment today to watch leah while we toured the NICU, everything worked out GOD continues to put the right people in my life and i pray he continues to bring the right people in my life and eliminate the ones that don't fit in.

The tour was very helpful so now i have a idea where my little munchkin will be while i'm down in the OR getting put back together i met with 1 of the doctors who answered all our questions now its just waiting time i have to finish my birthing plan so all the doctors and nurses involved will know what we want done for hannah before hand, get my bag together i still don't know what i'm putting in that bag but i will figure it out thats about it everything else will fall into place.  well that is it for tonight i am exhausted i don't have to wake up early i can sleep in til about 8:30 maybe 9 if leah permits it.  well until next time take care......