1 year angelversary Going down memory lane

Today for most of the day I watched the clock replaying every hour of this day last year what we were doing what was going on.  Right now at 7:11pm my house was packed with family and it was just surreal Hannah had passed away about 3 hrs ago and I couldn't believe what had happened we just lost our baby not something I ever thought I would experience. Why would I?  It's not natural but what I have learned in this past year is in this life Un-natural things happen.  I am still thankful because I knew what I was walking into but what about those parents or loved ones who were expected nothing but the best for their child.  I constantly think about those 25 children who were killed in sandy hook last year, I just couldn't rap my mind around it I was upset with God not for Hannah I understood what was going to happen it wasn't a matter of why me?  Or Why not me? Hannah was a blessing and  Despite what the doctors said before she was born it was she might not make it through the whole pregnancy my girl made it and was 2 weeks overdue, then it was she might not make through the delivery and my baby girl "did that" as Tamar Braxton would say.


  Hannah proved them wrong she gave us 10 weeks more then we expected.  I always told her as long as she fought I would continue fighting with her but whenever she felt she was tired of fighting it was ok. When the day came I wasn't ready to stop fighting My body was tired from lack of sleep and not eating on right but my heart and spirit had so much more fight in it she was worth  every second, minute and hour that  I didn't sleep spending time with her was so worth it.  Last year was the hardest year of kevin's and my life it started way before Hannah was born. In January Kevin had lost his job 3 months before Hannah was due to be born, We didn't know what to do, we have our at the time 11 month old daughter  and Kairi who was 8 but we only had her on the weekends so we have responsibilities. We were able to stay a float for a month after that things started going down hill we were behind in rent we were behind in all our bills.


Less then 2 weeks before Hannah's original due date (which was may 3rd) We got evictions papers and our landlord did not want to hear our sad story he wanted his place so someone else could move in and pay his rent.  We sat down and try to figure out what our next move was.  Kev's mom was helping us financially but she has her own bills and underage son to take care of she was a great help without her we would have sunk before we even floated.  We went to our local Public Assistance Office to find out what help we could get, they told us they would pay the landlord the money we owed and continue paying the rent, Kevin and I spoke to the landlord he wasn't interested in having PA pay the rent.  Went back to PA they told us our next option was to try and get an extension from the landlord and find a place before the eviction day.



Can you imagine being 8 1/2 months pregnant looking for an apartment, some days my feet would swell up so bad kevin would have to go see apartments without me. We had no luck it was either it was too small or it didn't fit into the budget PA gave us.  We were told if we couldn't find a place we would have to move into a shelter now I've never been in a shelter but from what I've seen in movies it was not a place we wanted to be in.  about 3 days before our due date we found a place THANK GOD! I was so relieved. I thought the day after we moved in my water was gonna break but nothing days went by and nothing until they had to induce about 12 days after my due date.



The first few days were so scary I couldn't sleep the NICU nurses were always kicking me out to get some sleep and the nurses who were assigned my room could never find me to do my blood pressure or give me my pain meds I was always in the NICU,I wan't worried about me i was fine.  those 3 days went by so quickly I wished I had a c-section so I could've stayed in the hospital longer but they discharged me early afternoon but I didn't leave that hospital until late that night I didn't want to leave her.  I was so scared they would call with bad news the first night I slept with the phone right next to my hear and called about every hour or I was annoying but didn't care lol.


It was hard even more for Kevin because he was in school to renew his EMT license and I remember being mad at him because he chose to go back to school in the middle of everything that was going on I didn't want him to miss out time with her but he had to do it to get back to work the longer he prolonged it the longer he was out of work.  Our first schedule was crazy we would wake up early Kevin would drop me off at the hospital then go back home with Leah,  It's a lot to ask a 1 year old to just hang around all day while mommy takes care of another baby so we decided to do it this way.  around 4pm kevin would come get me,  he had school, after school he would go spend time with Hannah he would do the overnight with her next day we would do it all over again.



One day I was talking with the Palliative care person Sue and she asked where Kevin was I explained how we had to do it since we had a little one at home she suggested we look into the hospital daycare I didn't even know they had a daycare in the hospital i called and got the info we couldn't afford it, it as $15 an hour i spent about 6 to 7 hours a day at the hospital that would be about $500 a week we sure didn't have that.  This is when I knew God was with us, she came into my room and said kevin and I should be spending time with Hannah together, she told me to meet her the next day and to bring Leah. The next day we both came in together with Leah, Sue took us down to the daycare spoke to the women I don't know what they spoke about but next thing I know I was registering leah into their daycare I was so thankful for sue she was our Angel through this she really became a friend to us.


Things were a little smoother we got up ate breakfast and went  straight to the hospital spent the day with Hannah while leah was in daycare we got to spent time with her together.  Leah loved going to daycare so it was easy on us.  I was so happy when the nurses came in and said Hannah began to know when we were there or not she was a different baby when we were around she content and calm but when we weren't around she was  fussy, so that put pressure on me I didn't want her crying and feeling alone so kevin and I would take turns doing the night shift we made it that she was only alone for a few hours when kevin had to go to school and i had to be home with Leah.  Either kev or I would stay with her at night.  We were always with her thats one of my most cherished thing knowing that she was never alone and even when we couldn't be there someone was there with her.  I remember there was this girl name Alicia she was a volunteer at Hackensack she had such a wonderful spirit and she fell in love with Hannah she would always come in 3-4 times a day to check on Hannah, sit and hold her if she was putting the nurses to work she was like our eyes when we weren't their.  she left before Hannah passed away I wish i knew her last name or something she was just great and we never really got to thank her.


Hannah was a blessed baby she was loved by family and family we gained through this journey.  Today started off down it was gloomy outside, and I wasn't in the mood.  Kev had to work this morning so we didn't do anything for Hannah I wanted the day to be as normal as possible.  I wasn't going to blog but I decided to blog about whatever came to my mind about last year and I am so happy I did as i remembered her all I can do is smile, It's not easy I miss her beyond words and every time I look at my girls playing together I am always reminded that one is missing but Hannah is in my heart I look at her pictures every day and look forward to seeing my love again.

Happy 1st Birthday Hannah!!!

Yesterday was my dear angel's 1st birthday.  I close my eyes and try to imagine how she would look or what she would be doing, what I see is her perfect little face smiling.  For Hannah's birthday I couldn't decide on what I wanted the family to do. Kev and I talked about different idea and with the help of Kairi (my oldest) we planned the day.  The plan was we would get up early go buy all the ingredients and equipment to bake a cake, come home bake the cake pretty it up and leave it for later, have lunch and go to the park let the kids run play and enjoy the beautiful weather, come home have dinner sing happy birthday, cut cake, and talk about Hannah for the rest of the night while looking at her pictures. Perfect day right? (how our day really went)

We woke up 2 hr later than we were suppose too, continued with plans we went to Walmart got all our supplies cake mix, baking pans, icing, etc.   On our way home I noticed Kairi kept itching her eyes I told her I didn't think that was a good idea .  We got home around 2pm  her eyes were red, irritated and swollen, we gave her some allergy medication and a cool compress to sooth her eyes I went to see how she was doing she was sound asleep that was at 3pm then my little one decided she too wanted to sleep. So it was just kevin and I we talked about Hannah watched a movie and in 2 hrs the kids were awake well leah woke up about 40 minutes after her nap but Kairi was passed out.  Once both the girls were awake we started on the cake, that was fun this was the first time in a very long time that i made a cake a lot of laughs Kairi is the pro with baking cakes her grandmother and her bake cakes all the time, Kairi was the head baker and i was the assistant and leah was the taster.  We made a 2 layer french vanilla cake with purple icing and we wrote "Happy 1st Birthday" it looked and tasted really good I was proud of us. Once that was done it was time for dinner, we set the table kevin prayed  and before we ate i wanted all of us to say Happy birthday to Hannah and speak of a memory with Hannah we all did of course Kevin's made me tear up a little with his but it felt so talking about my baby girl even though we talk about her very often.

We sang Happy birthday and blew out her candle this morning everyone was stuffed from dinner last night and i wasn't feeling too well so i didn't push it.  Our day was spent the way it was suppose to be with us together what we had planned didn't matter as long as we were together and remembering our Angel. Hannah is someone we could never forget even though she was here for 10 weeks she has changed my life,  so many others who were around her who believes her life changed there lives. Yesterday  wasn't a sad day last year may16th 2012 my daughter was alive and fighting, It was and forever will be one of the happiest days of my life and i will treat it as so. Next year it will be better i wont be sick and can do more the way i wanted too.  HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY HANNAH!!!  We love you so much. You are forever in our hearts, soul and mind.

Happy 1st Birthday Hannah!!!!

The girls blowing out the candle.

My little Angel I love you so much

 I WILL NOT FORGET YOU...I HAVE HELD YOU

IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.-ISAIAH 49:15

Happy 6 Month Angelversary

 Happy New Years, Wow 6 months!!!!!  sure doesn't feel like 6 months has pasted but it doesn't feel like it was yesterday either, it feels like yesterday she was born.  I remember every detail of Hannah's birth but her passing is a fuzzy.... I do remember it but i like to remember her living.  Hannah would've been 8 months old last week, I always wonder how she would look or what would she be doing now, at the same time i wonder with her having trisomy 18 would she be breathing on her own? or have a tracheotomy?, would we still be in the hospital debating wither or not we should pursue with surgery, I guess these questions and thoughts will always be with me.  6 months later i still question kevin and myself if we made the right decision not to intervene and let her go, kevin always reminds me of the life we wanted for Hannah, not the life Trisomy 18 was trying to put on our her... that helps me so much because i know i didn't want her on a vent or a trach if she couldn't do it on her own then I wasn't gonna push her and be selfish. Then i start thinking about how much i miss her and that i would do or give anything just to hold her, kiss her and watch her grow with her sisters thats when my selfishness comes in, in the end i  know i made the right decision for Hannah. I  left it up to God and Hannah to make the decisions because of that majority of the time im at peace with my choice.  Only every now and then i question it.

SO this weekend is a very special weekend for me, this weekend i am in Maryland i am here for a peer minister training course as some of you guys know when i was pregnant with Hannah i met a very special women named Cubby i originally met her through my/ Hannah's cardiologist, she has a organization called Isaiah's Promise named after her son who passed away very young due to an illness many years ago.  From the beginning our spirits took each other, we talked, she gave me advice and answered all the questions I had, and reminded me everyday that regardless of the outcome i am strong.  Her organization sent us such beautiful keepsakes for Hannah, her blessing gown, motivational cards, prayers shawls for me and the girls, games for the girls etc. Cubby was such a blessing in my life and after Hannah passed away I decided I wanted to continue giving that blessing to other families who are gonna be on this journey.   I have to be trained before I can start doing anything so tomorrow i am going to training, I am so excited and nervous but i know this is my calling and it will be great  :-).
 Later on that evening kevin and I are going to the fundraiser they are having yay!!! I feel so honored to be doing this training and being apart of something so special and important especially a day after Hannah's angelversary i feel like its meant to be I hope Hannah is looking down and is proud of me, without her i wouldn't even know anything about trisomy 18 or wanting to help others get through losing child.  I thank her for changing me for the better, for making me a better women, mom, friend, everything.

Theres so much more to update about but i want blog to be mostly about Hannah, I am going to try blogging more often its therapeutic and who knows somewhere down the line this can help another family.  I thank God for this journey at first it couldn't understand why me? but now i realize why not me? i'm not perfect and also realized its not about me its about someone else, about the next family or single mom who is going to need me or need my testimony....  I thank all those who take the time out to read these post.

lounging around one of our enjoyable days home

Hannahs favorite spot other than my chest lol

my Hannah Banna 

Daddy and daughter time

Hannah Happy 6 month Angelversary you are forever in my heart, your daddies heart, sisters heart and all those hearts you touched in 2 months and continue to touch.  Continue watching over us and with Gods hand continue guiding us on to the right path I love you beyond words.....until we meet again my angel.

4 MONTHS OLD TODAY

  I was reading a blog posting from another mom whose daughter has trisomy 18, she was talking about her daughter getting her shots and not being able to protect her from the pain all she could do was  comfort her while she was in pain by holding her close letting her know mommy was there. She knew her daughter needed these shots but wanting to spare her from the pain, not wanting her daughter to ever wonder why mommy just stood there and let them hurt me. I so understand what this mom meant i use to feel the same way every time the doctors came in to do some procedure on Hannah or when i use to look at her little  heel and she had so many little scars from them sticking her heel for blood, I knew she needed to have her blood drawn and the different procedures to make sure her levels were all good but Hannah didn't understand that, It use to break my heart i knew she needs these things done but i hated seeing her in pain so i made it my job to always comfort her as any parent would want to do for there child.   This mom used her story to show how God feels when we are in pain, he cant prevent it but He will comfort us, swaddle us, rock us in his arms and let us know everything will be alright. Through this i have felt God comfort me and let me know everything will be alright. I continued reading her post she wrote about when she was younger and immature   she would blaming God asking "How could God allow this to Happen? What did i do to deserve this? man o man how familiar but my questions to god weren't exactly the same mines were "is God punishing me for past mistakes?  Did God take Hannah because i failed in some way? as i continued reading she reminded me that God doesn't work like that (which i know) He is a caring and compassionate god who's son SUFFERED and DIED for us. For me that blew my mind as i thought about it it hit me  God knows what i'm feeling He watch his only begotten son be tortured,brutalized and murdered.


 God is not punishing me Hannah could never be a punishment my time with her has blessed me in so many ways, she changed me for the better.  I believe her job on earth was to bring me closer to God, my family and to bring me out of my shell. How did she bring me out my shell?  I had to talk to people, I had to express my feeling (which is something i didn't do) use my words and make sure i was being heard. I realized to get through my pregnancy with Hannah i would have to express my opinion and what i wanted for Hannah so i did, i also realized if i was gonna go through this i needed support, i needed words to help me when i felt overwhelmed or was facing the impossible and God delivered this through his word and through the people he brought in my life.

Today Hannah would of been 4 months I smile and my heart aches a little  when i say that i wonder what new things she would've been doing, I also wonder where would we be today would she be home? would we still be in the hospital?  Guess it doesn't matter anymore what i do know for sure is Hannah is at peace and is a  happy baby.  Days like today always make me feel...i don't want to say blue but i miss her extra hard on days like today and i haven't even come across the real hard ones 6mos, 1 year bday, 1 year anniversary in heaven etc.  Today kevin and i were talking about Hannah and he said "Hannah was his heart" before i could ask why? he continuing saying his mom told him that is  probably because Hannah looks like me as to why she had his heart i thought that was cute. Today we stayed home and spent extra time together Kairi wanted to watch another family movie so we watched "the Smurfs" while we ate dinner Kairi's choice was Hot dogs with Veggie baked beans yesterday we watched "Hop" which was a funny movie  while we ate Chicken Alfredo, noodles and broccoli it was a great day and weekend.
Kairi doesn't have school tomorrow and Tuesday,  I'm HAPPY when she has extra days off thats more time with me since i don't have her during the week (for now) so i love the extra time.

MY FAVORITE PIC 

YOU GOT 1 MORE TIME TO FLASH THAT CAMERA. LOL

             HAPPY 4 MONTHS MY LITTLE ANGEL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

September Already...

On Wednesday Kev and I went back to Hackensack University Hospital to meet up with Sue and Dr. Beversdorf (palliative care) to pick up my necklace they ordered for me,  the necklace is unique because the pendent has Hannah's actually footprint on it, a engraved message on the back it says "Hannah our Beloved Angel." and the color of her birthstone.  All necklaces are made special for each little angel.  I couldn't wait to put mines on and show everyone, Im never taking it off, well except for showers of course.  I didn't know when kev and i decided to name this blog "FootPrints of Hannah" that Hannah's footprints would be the center of everything, Her footprints is everywhere in our life we have clay molded footprints in our living room, our bedroom has her pink painted footprint in a mom frame now I have my necklace.  It helps me feel a little closer to her and to always keep her in my view.
After we finished catching up with the ladies we decided to go over to see the PICU nurses and doctors who helped take care of Hannah, As i got off the elevator i felt a lot of anxiety my heart was racing, As we walked I spotted Hannah's old room its right in front the nurses desk so there was no running from it  it was so hard to look in that room (of course it wasn't her room anymore a new patient was in there) all the memories came back a lot of good some bad of course the day she passed is the most recent memory. I remembered her little pointer finger how she would use it to grab at her nasal or CPAP or to hold your finger I loved when she did that, i remembered the way she would stick out her tongue when she was hungry looking for something to suck on..... I remember those big bright eyes.

We got to see some of the nurses and most of the doctors unfortunately we didn't get to see the nurse who took care of Hannah until the end Danielle her last day was tuesday she moved away :-(, she was so compassionate to kevin, Hannah and myself she stayed with us and seen everything through, she took care of Hannah like she was her own even after Hannah passed she continued talking to Hannah and taking care of her i will never forget her and what she did, I just wish i could've thanked her the way I wanted too.

This hangs in our dining room (sorry for the glare)

The days are going so quickly, I cant believe we're in September already. Kairi started the 3rd grade she's getting so big and so mature, Im truly a proud parent.  As i'm sitting here writing this i'm watching my two girls laughing and playing with each other I thank God for these moments i thank Him for two healthy beautiful girls a big part of me wishing Hannah was here in my arms with me as I watch them play but that little part of me knows she had to go her time here was done.

About two days ago my little sister called me and told me the best news I had in some time our 2 cousins that we've been looking for for over 10 years contacted her on facebook they've been looking for us and decided to make a facebook hoping to find us AND IT WORKED!!  I was so excited when she told me this I couldn't wait to talk to them.  When my brother,sister and i  were kids they were always there for us when we needed them, Im not gonna lie we were some bad kids always losing our keys or getting into trouble we were latchkey kids so we ran the house and every time we were locked out they came across town to get us and take us to there house where we stayed the night.  Even though they are our cousins i always felt closer to them they were like the older sisters i've always wanted but unfortunately due to the adult family drama they moved and discontinued contact with the family they didn't want to leave us kids but it was too much and it wasn't getting better for them, i honestly don't blame them they had a hard life and sometimes in life you have to decide to remove people from you life who are no good for you or are toxic to your well being. Since my mom moved a lot it was hard for them to find us but they finally did, they cant believe how grown up we are the last time they saw me i was 13 yrs old Im now 26 with 3 kids my sister is 24 and my brother is 22 so we have a lot of catching up to do.  There away on business so it will be awhile before we see them face to face Im just happy I can talk to them over the phone and know that we will see each other soon.  I always knew this day would come.

I have Kairi this weekend, i don't think we will do much i think we are just going to relax and watch movies catch up on mommy and daughter time. I had a fun and busy labor day weekend, the reason i haven't blogged about it is because i don't remember much of it.  I am still trying to recover lol (shaking my head at myself)  Im thankful for my family without my 3 K's (Kevin,Kairi,Kaliyah) I don't know what I would do but because of them I know I have to stay strong and keep moving in Gods direction with my life sounds easier said then done but I am  truly working on it and me.  Have a good night all. Stay Blessed.

Stop living to please everyone else.  God gave you a unique heart, so do what He want you to do. -Joyce Meyer

1 Month Anniversary.

I've been writing this post since saturday 8/25/2012, exactly a month since hannah has passed away.  So many different distractions first I lost the post I wrote it just...disappeared(the only way I can describe it), sunday was church after church Kevin,Leah and I picked up my oldest daughter, my bestie and my godson and we went out to Olive garden for lunchby time we got back to new jersey it was bed time, we had a great time besides Leah's tantrum but she eventually feel asleep and all was normal again, Monday was just a lost day it went by so fast lol, and here we are today finally able to write about Hannah's 1 month anniversary.

( This first paragraph was written on saturday so that is why it says today and so forth)

Today makes a month since Hannah went to heaven.. technically Wednesday made it 4 weeks she passed away, On Wednesday Kevin, leah, His best friend Jerome and I went to Hannah's grave site to celebrate her one month in heaven we bought this cross with pretty pink roses on them and a pin that said "I LOVE YOU" after buying it I realized the roses weren't real, at first i was disappointed I wanted real roses for Hannah but in the end it worked out the lady wrote Hannah's name on the cross and her lot number since the roses are fake it will always be there (until wear and tear of course)  or until we memorize her shot.  I know know for future visits to come with our fresh flowers before we get there i assumed they sold fresh flowers. Go figure.  As I stood there watching the dirt, the fresh dirt piled on top each other, I was kind of shocked to see that i thought they would've flattened it like the rest but i guess not I don't know how that goes this is the first time having to return to a burial ground after some one was buried.  Anyway as I stood there watching the pile of dirt I couldn't grasp the fact that my little girl was down there or maybe I didn't want to grasp that its not nothing a parent should grasp.  At first I kept torturing myself wondering how does she look now in there?  My spirit told me to only talk of the good memories remember her sweet little face remember her as she was.  Kevin and i shared our memories with his best friend who didn't get to see Hannah while she was on earth. We talked about the fighter she was and how she was well known on the NICU/5th floor both floors she stayed on and the great staff she had by her side.  As I looked around i noticed two things 1. All the tombstones were were dated in the late 80's 87-88 (which i guess make sense since thats around the time my little sister passed away  2. they were all babies, some that lived only for a day and some that didn't even get to live a full day.  I felt so blessed and honored to have had Hannah for the two months i got to  know her little personality her likes and dislikes which she only had two dislike and that was a dirty diaper but who would like a dirty diaper lol secondly doctors and nurses probing at her again who would like that.

After talking we stood there in silence  i guess we all went into our own thoughts and wonders, after awhile we decided to start getting to ready to go before we left Jerome suggested we pray before we left (he's a Pastor in training) He said a heart warming beautiful prayer i felt an extra presence with us as we prayed my eyes were closed i pictured it was God or one of his angels with Hannah in there arms standing there with us as we prayed.  I was happy with our visit with Hannah i didn't cry it was all good except for the fact that we had to leave her, I know its not "her" just her body not her spirit her spirit is with me forever :-) but it still felt unnatural. Happy 1 month Anniversary my Little Hannah I love and miss you so much.

That was our 1 month visit with Hannah the first of many.....

Psalms 30 (NKJV)
1 I will extol you, O Lord, for you have lifted me up, And
have not let my foes rejoice over me.  2 O lord my god, I cried out to you,
and you healed me.  3 O Lord you brought my soul up from the grave; You have
kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. 4 Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of his,
And give thanks at the remembrance of his holy name.  5 For his anger is but for a moment, His favor
is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.  6 Now in my prosperity i said, "I shall never be moved."  7 Lord,by your favor you have made my mountain stand strong; You hid your face, and i was troubled. 8  I cried out to you, O Lord; and to the Lord I made supplication: 9 "What profit is there in my blood, When i go down to the pit?  Will the dust praise you? Will it declare your truth? 10 Hear, O Lord and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!  11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, 12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to you and not be silent.  O lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.

Healing a day at a time

Yesterday Kevin and i came to NYC with the kids to buy Kairi's school uniform clothes and drop her off to spend the rest of the summer with her dad :-( it breaks my heart every time she goes especially now after everything i've been real clingy with my kids don't really want them out my sight but i know there nothing i can do she has to spend time with her daddy and his family, i know she is in good hands.  After we dropped Kairi i wanted to do something just go somewhere to help me take some of my mind off Hannah and these past few weeks, we decided to go to the movies since my sister works at a movie theater we wouldn't have to pay.  We picked Ted to watch you know something funny and hopefully not boring the movie started at midnight, it was around 10:30pm so we had time to spear so we went to the pier in Canarsie,  Kevin and i use to always go there to talk, argue, make up that was our spot we haven't been there in so long.  As i stood there looking at the water i wondered where was Hannah at that moment? the obvious answer is Heaven but that i wanted more where EXACTLY is she? i didn't have the answer and neither did kevin.  I told him about the dream i had the night before about Hannah, i was back at the hospital and Hannah was there laying in her crib but when i looked she had a trach i picked her up and held her close a nurse walked by and said i thought she passed away i said so did i in the dream i'm sitting there remembering her funereal and wondering what happened i continued holding her and said i would wait until the doctors came in to ask him what happened and how did Hannah end up with a trach let alone alive again?  but unfortunately i didn't get that far in the dream i woke up :-/ (of course that would happen) we discussed my dream i knew i had that dream because i feel i should've  pushed for a trach i should've done more  to keep Hannah with us, Kevin didn't even let that thought settle in my mind he reminded me that wasn't the life we wanted for Hannah or our girls i knew that but GOD i didn't want her to die but i didn't want her like that either  i know i said this a million times but i just wanted to hold her so bad,  i cried he comforted me and we continued looking at the water at that moment i knew we need to go to a group and talk with other grieving parents and some therapy because Kevin's answers weren't doing it anymore i needed more. 

   Last minute i decided i didn't want  to go to the movies it wasn't going to help me clear my mind i would've sat there looking at the screen but not have the slightest idea what the movie was about (thats been happening to me a lot lately) I told kevin i did not want to go to the movies i wanted to do something but didn't know what he said lets go play pool i smiled without me saying anything he knew what i needed when i didn't even know what i needed.  We played pool for almost 3 hours it was after 2am when we left it was great it took my mind of the everything and i kicked Kevin's butt lol couldn't ask for a better night.  Thank you baby I love you.

I've always wanted to play softball the women looked cool and the sport is fun since i live in NJ theres a lot of women softball teams, i told Kevin i wanted to play for a team but of course i need training and who else better to train me then Kevin he use to coach his little brothers baseball team so he knows a thing or two.  Today was my first day of training we went to sea view parks field and began training i did pretty good he taught me how to catch ground balls, fly balls, how to hold my glove, how to protect my face and body from being hit with the ball.  A lot of running and moving it felt good it was training and exercise a two for one i need the exercise even though my legs and arms are sore i feel energized. I need to lose my baby fat starting from my first born who is now 8 years old and work my way down so i have a lot of work to do, i'm going to use this energy and get things done lose some weight, join a soft ball team, go back to school and become a respiratory therapist those are my short and long term plans.  

Tomorrow i'm going to church it will be the first time back since Hannah was born, a lot of people didn't know about Hannah's Diagnoses they do know she passed away i received a lot of beautiful condolences card from member's of my church this will be the first time i m gonna be around a large group of people who knows what happened its easy to go out and be around strangers they don't know whats going on so i can go forward with my day but tomorrow i know someone is gonna want to know exactly what happened?  i would want to know too, i just wouldn't be bold enough to ask.  I've prepared myself to answer questions and speak about Hannah i want everyone to know about my little angel, most importantly i cant wait to hear the word to hear what GOD has to tell me, i've been avoiding God and haven't spoken to him about Hannah since she passed away this morning was the first time i spoke to him honestly and told God how i felt about what happened after i opened my bible which is something i haven't done since Hannah passed away i read for over an hour from the KJV,NKJV and The Messenger  i felt a lot of the weight and pressure i was feeling slowly coming off of me as i read by time i was done i felt rejuvenated. I need to feel His presences i need His word to get me through this, here is one i read this is how i feel inside.

Psalms 31:9-(NKJV) ( this whole chapter is good but this stood out for me)

"9.Have mercy on me, O Lord, for i am in trouble: My eyes waste away with grief, yes my

soul and my body! 10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing; My strength fails

because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. 11 I am a reproach among my neighbors and am repulsive to my acquaintances; Those who see me outside flee from me. 12 I am like a broken vessel".

I know He will heal me if i let him and stop trying to heal myself. 

 

2 weeks without Hannah....

Its been 2 weeks since Hannah has passed away...... the days are just going by, for the most part i am good i have my days when my thoughts get the best of me i wonder if i should've intervene with what was happening tell them to do whatever they had to intubate her, tracheotomy whatever it took to keep her alive as my thoughts keep racing the other half of my thoughts jump in and remind me that isn't what i wanted for Hannah i couldn't live with myself seeing her everyday with a whole in her throat getting all her breathing support from a vent machine for some thats enough for them and i don't knock them for there choice but for me and mines i couldn't keep holding on to her like that i wanted Hannah to be a part of our family not just a member of our family.  As much as i miss her i am happy for her no more suffering, no more needles and being poked at, no test, no more being held to one area because of machines attached to her...Hannah is free, free from all of it and that brings a warm feeling to my heart.


When Hannah was alive a lot of kevin's time and mine was devoted to Hannah unfortunately our two other girls were getting the short end of the stick we weren't able to do the things the kids wanted to do for summer especially my oldest Kairi.  Kairi was old enough to know what was going on with a lot of understanding but she wanted her time too she wanted to go places and do things i tried as much as i can to do with her i took her to coney island, sesame place, and some family pool parties or have family do things with her. what makes it harder is that i only have Kairi for half the summer then she goes to her dad for the other half.  Hannah was in the hospital the whole summer so when she passed away after my mind was clear i thought now i can take Kairi to the beach like she's been asking the whole summer to go.  We decided to go to beach today only the forecast shows rain for the rest of the week and Kairi leaves tomorrow so we did the next best thing WE WENT TO MEDIEVAL TIMES!!!! we had a great time i've never been there until today, Kevin and i definitely going back great food, great show *whispering* Handsome knights what more can i ask for? oh and most importantly Kairi had a great time even leah enjoyed the shows rooting for the yellow side waving her banner it felt good to be out and not worrying about Hannah or trying to hurry whatever we are doing so i can get back to Hannah's side or looking at my phone to see if i missed the hospitals call.

go yellow team!!!!

excuse my uhhh clevage smh. wish kev would've seen that.

Footprints of Hannah with me everyday.

Through all this i respect family time so much more its definitely important it was important before but now it's like a must i don't care how busy our life gets when its time for family time everyone better be there thats more for kevin and i right now since the kids are young they have no choice.  I appreciate having them around me more i'm possessive now i don't want to let them out my sight lol.  For some reason Leah is really clingy she doesn't let me out her sight..at all lol its like she's my protector i love it though i kinda use her too when i miss Hannah or wish i could kiss her little soft cheeks  i start kissing and hugging up on leah, the love i cant give to Hannah anymore physically i give it to leah and Kairi (when Kairi lets me she's hormonal lol).  My only regret is i never got to take a picture with all of my girls together and a family portrait with all of us together other then that i am content.

The Funeral and the day after

The weekend was going by so slow and just like that today is tuesday.  Yesterday was Hannah's funeral she looked so beautiful with her purple little headband and her cream gown made just for her (from Isaiah's promise).  As i walked in the funeral home my heart started racing i was so scared about seeing Hannah again in a coffin knowing this would be the last time i ever see her.  I walked over to her and automatically started crying she looked so beautiful, so peaceful she took my breathe away.  I just stood there watching my little angel wishing this wasn't my last time seeing her little face (on earth anyway).  Family and friends starting arriving to see Hannah a lot of tears and emotions, Dr. Jamie Beversdorf, Susan Cohen, Denise a colleague of Dr. Kipel who was one of Hannah's cardiologist very sweet women, another women came with Denise from there office unfortunately i didn't get her name :-(, of course our parents were there, my sister Adrianne, Kevin's brother Stephan, Kevin's cousins and there significant other, a good friend of mine from church Jennifer came with her partner ,  god parents, more family etc.  A little after 10am the service was ready to start,  Pastor Bell who came to see Hannah a few times in the hospital and who also is a great speaker was to speak i was pleasantly surprised when i seen our Pastor Pastor Tyrone Stevenson come in to speak last i heard he was unable to attend Hannah's service he had a funeral out of town to attend too, i understood it was ok but here he was to speak at Hannah's funeral :-).


Pastor Stevenson gave such a great word it was moving, uplifting, just what we needed he brought added light to Hannah's life out of all the great things he said the one thing that stuck out for me was her time he explained that even though Hannah only lived for 2 months the time was still so much longer then the eye can see in hours she lived for 1,460.97, in minutes 87,658.1, in seconds 5,259,490 my heart and face smiled 5 billion seconds that sounds so much longer then 2 months huh? in that 5 billion plus seconds Hannah touched so many life's and people i will never forget that the hours, minutes and me  my most favorite the seconds of Hannah's life.   My oldest Kairi wrote a letter to Hannah and wanted to read it to everyone before she placed the letter with Hannah her words were on point she spoke about God taking Hannah's pain away and Hannah watching over her big sisters i was so proud to hear kairi speak about her baby sister.  Last but not least kevin spoke he wrote Hannah a beautiful poem it brought tears to my eyes he's always been good with words and poems he proved that once again with his poem.

After all the the beautiful words about Hannah was over it was time for everyone to pay there last respects before they......closed the casket *sigh* that was the hardest part i didn't want them to close it i wanted to run over to her and save her take her out of that box where she didn't belong and protect her like i've been doing for the past 11 months (pregnancy and birth) but i knew that the body i saw laying there wasn't Hannah anymore it was just her shell Hannah had moved on to a better place, a place i pray to go one day (no time soon of course ;-) lol).  We drove to the burial ground the whole time i was wondering how do they transport her little box? i wouldn't call it a casket it was so small, we arrived at the burial ground as we drove through the burial ground i looked at the different head stones and read all the different dates some family sites, some were babies, there were all different kinds. they set on her  site as we all looked at the casket one more time, my little sister wanted me to open the casket one more time but i couldn't take having to open  see her there and watching them close it again plus it was sunny and bright outside i didn't want the sun to hurt Hannah's eyes, still being a protective mom.  After everything was done my family and friends we went to eat we laughed we talked we shared stories i felt good. I felt my job was done.


About 25 years ago my mother buried my baby sister who was a little over a year, when we went to the funeral home a day after Hannah passed away i mentioned to them my mom had buried a child in new jersey, after doing some research we found out we were able to use the same land there was room for hannah since my little sister casket was small and of course Hannah's is small too.  This blew my mind because who knew donkey years later i would be 1. burying my own child 2. it would be in the same spot my sister was buried, life is so unpredictable and funny i'm sure my mother never thought the spot she buried her daughter would be the spot she comes too to bury her granddaughter too, but i tell who did know our heavenly father he knew all this would come together the way it did.  Before Hannah's passing i never visited my sister grave it was something we never did for whatever reason.  Hannah isn't alone she has her auntie with her that makes me feel a little better.  My little sister didn't have a tombstone so kevin and i decided to get a 2 in 1 for both of them i'm thinking of something with intwined hearts with there names on it.

Today was a ok day i didn't feel like doing much, it took all day just to write this post.  i would come and go one minute i was interacting with the family feeling good then the next minute i would be sad and can stop thinking about Hannah.  After the funeral service my pastor said kevin and i would need counseling when he first said i was no we will be fine ( i thought it i didn't say it to him) but after today i know for sure i am going to need it i cant control the emotions i go through its up and down  and i am not use to this i usually control my emotions you wouldn't even know i'm upset about things but this i feel like i'm wearing it on my heart and shoulders i know its going to take time but how much time? no one knows just gotta go through the motion.  The good thing is i do talk to kevin and express when i'm hurting and my feelings i've learned holding things in and letting it fester isn't good.  One day at a time with god's mercy and strength it will all work out for the good.

Sing softly the song of my angel

Sing softly the song of my angel
Let the angel let you sleep for my angel
in her wisdom has begun her angel song.

Sing softly the songs of my angel
It holds the angel power, it lets the
angel let you laugh, it lets the angel
make you cry.

Sing softly the song of my angel
In my angel you must trust my angel only
cares for you. My angel wont let anyone hurt you.

When you are lonely just close your eyes, sing softly
 the song of my angel for my angel is with you.

So sing softly the song of my angel
let my angel let you sleep for my angel
in her wisdom has begun her angel song.
By Kevin Joseph

Joshua 1:9 NLT
This is my command-Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid
or discouraged.  For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Amen.

Its almost here

Hannah's funerals service will be held tomorrow. The viewing is from 9am-10am, the service following right after and she will be laid to rest.  I keep asking God for strength and remembering all the t-18 mommies who had to go through this.  Reminding myself how strong i am because of Hannah, reminding myself i have two beautiful girls who need me now more then ever. A day at a time remind myself.  Over the weekend another mom whose son passed away from trisomy 18 did a balloon release for all the babies who have passed on this year as i was looking through the pictures and names there was Hannah's beautiful name and Balloon my tears came down but not because i was sad it was happy tears for this beautiful gesture of the mother and the balloon reminded how free Hannah is.

Today i go buy our clothes for tomorrow i don't want to face this day but i know i have too, its like i do want to face it so i see Hannah's face again but then i don't because that will be the last time i see her face.  So much up and downs but with god strength i will be fine.  Right now this is a open wound and it hurts like hell i have keep it clean take care of it so it doesn't get infected i have to make sure it heals without a nasty scar.  One step at a time.

Hannahs balloon i love the four hearts, theres my heart, kevins,kairi and Kaliyahs heart we all love you very much.

Funeral service

Santangelo Funeral Home

635 Mcbride ave Woodland park, New jersey

viewing from 9am-10pm

service following right after.

REALITY SLOWLY SETTING IN

I woke up today not feeling the best i feel like everyday i start feeling the reality i cried four times today the last one was totally unexpected, we were in Walgreens putting together Hannah's collage for her funeral and i seen a picture of Hannah and her dad i love that picture i said "awwww look at you too" then it hit me Hannah is gone and the tears started kevin held me and patiently waited for me to let it all out after my cry i continued with what we were doing.   Right now its a lot of phone calls trying to plan this funeral we can only do this right one time for Hannah and she deserves the best, unfortunately we didn't think Hannah would have passed away so suddenly or so soon so we didn't get to put away money or plan a funeral so now we have to plan one in a weekend *sigh* no time to grieve right now gotta get clothes for the girls,kevin and myself, luckily during my pregnancy a organization called Isaiah's promise had sent us some beautiful dresses for Hannah so she's all set i don't think i could've handled having to buy her a burial dress.... planning this is hard enough.  I know my baby girl is at peace and that makes me happy but i miss her so much i keep touching a picture of her face wishing it was her face.  Like my older sister Onica said remember all the good times, all the things that made me smile about Hannah some times that helps and other times it makes me miss her more.  Im just trying to take it a hour at a time anything else is too fast for me right now.

Kevin is being the amazing man he always is, when it gets too much for me he takes over. He tries his hardest to make me happy right now, like this morning OMG he had to take the picture of Hannah's footprint that was made for us at the hospital the day she was passing they put it in a frame that said "Mom" he accidentally dropped the frame and it broke into pieces i just hurt the break i looked around and it was in pieces  it was like Hannah passing away all over again my heart broke with the frame i was so hurt and furious asking why would he put the frame there? and i knew it was going to happen? i wasn't nice. He came back from the funeral home but they called and wanted us to come back together so i went out with him i sat in the passenger seat and felt i was sitting on something when i pulled it out it was a new frame i looked at it and put it down i wasn't happy i put down on his sit  he got in and said "here" i said  "i don't want a new one u bought i want the one that was given to me" he said "it is" apparently he felt so bad for breaking the frame he called susan the women who made it for me told her what happened he stopped by the hospital and she made me a new one *tear* i felt so stupid and mean i apologized gave him a kiss and thanked him so much i felt a breath of fresh air the fact he went his way out to do that just made me fall in love with him all over again, i whispered to myself and said Hannah you have the best dad in the whole wide world.    After that happening I was glad the first two days were me and kev consoling people, if it was a day like today i don't think i would of been able to console anyone my emotions are all over the place.  Its hard to talk about her or see her picture i know these are all natural feelings i just have to get use to them and let the process take its course one hour at a time.



I read this scripture on my churches  F.B page Hope touch NYC and it touched my heart
Jeremiah 31:13- I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and
 joy instead of sorrow.   I hold god to his word....

An Angel in the sky....

Yesterday was another routined day we had a noon meeting with the doctors,nursing staff and palliative care to discuss what our next plan was for Hannah.  kevin and i woke up did our in the bed morning talk woke the kids up took our showers ate breakfast and we were off to see Hannah.  As we walked in the ward he heard alarms going off as we walked closer to Hannah's room the blinds were pulled i walked in first to see the nurses putting in a new IV on Hannah, apparently she went on a rampage and pulled out her IV and her feeding tube pulling out her feeding tube caused her to aspirate .  The nurse told me Hannah had a rough night she was very inconsolable they gave morphine it worked for a brief moment  they also had to give her Ativan to calm down.  At noon as we prepared for our meeting Hannah de-sated and everyone rushed to her bedside as i looked on the monitor at her was 9 my heart dropped the started calling for help they gave her extra oxygen through the by-pap i stared at the monitored begging for her numbers to come up, slowly but surely her numbers came but it was still low in the 70's sometimes hitting 80's, the doctors started her on morphine to relax her so she wouldn't  struggle to breathe.

Dr.Beversdorf came in and said "i think Hannah is trying to tell us something" i walked over to Hannah and instantly I started crying because i knew what was next.  The doctors told us to start calling our Pastor and family and get them here as soon as possible in the meantime they upped her oxygen 100% and rate to 30, kevin and i cried, we prayed and we cried some more after we got our cry out alone together we started making plans we asked for our pastor Pastor Tyrone Stevenson to be called to get her blessed,both moms were called,sisters,brother,god parents Shenna and Junior all those who played a important part in Hannah's life.  Since everyone lived in NYC and we live in NJ it took time to get everyone there not everyone drives as (honestly i didn't mind they could've taken there sweet time i wasn't ready to face what was about to happen).  My pastor saw that and decided we should make a time to get this started tell the family that and leave it at that after.  Kevin and i looked at the time it was 3:35pm i couldn't think to make decisions so kevin was the one calling our shot and i agreed with it, we set the time at 5pm, about 10mins later Dr.Beversdorf came in and said we shouldn't prolong this too long it isn't fair for Hannah 4:45pm was the new time. I was thinking to myself "why are we pushing up the time what is 15mins give my baby her 15 mins" but i knew it wasn't fair to Hannah and time did matter.  Before we knew it is 4:45pm they came in with a morphine drip to give continuous. At 5:15pm they started turning down the amount of oxygen is she was getting, all monitors were turned off so we could focus our attention on Hannah, our family started arriving just in time as kevin held her close and through our tears we closely watched.

At 5:35pm Kevin broke down crying.. i knew she was gone. Dr.Beversdorf walked over to kevin she listened with her stethoscope and confirmed she had passed away.  I could not believe it happened so quick i didn't expect for it to be over so soon, i knew in my heart she was gonna keep holding on that she would have surprised as with a miracle and hold her own.....that didn't happen my beloved angel went on to a better place she went on to be with her Heavenly Father in Heaven no tubes, no machines, no IV's no more blood draws she is free from all her pain MY GOD this bring so much joy to my heart, yes i will miss her truly without a doubt but her spirit lives with me for the rest of my life, her memories, her sweet smell will always be with me.  She was and now is truly an angel.

I am so thankful for the staff at Hackensack University Hospital the nurse Danielle took care of our baby so well even after Hannah left her shell the nurse still treated her like she was there as she changed her pamper she spoke to Hannah letting her know everything she was doing, she made her bed, swaddled her in her blanket put on her little hat and probed her up like the little princess she is. Ooooh Hannah looked so peaceful she looked as if she was a sleeping beauty with all that stuff was off her face what a beauty she is i couldn't stop looking at her my heart gets warm just thinking about it. I want to thank Susan Cohen and Dr. Jamie Beversdorf for there moral support  you guys treated us like family we are family now and forever you were there with us every step of the way helping us with decisions reassuring us that we can do this.  The child life team Rebecca, Alicia, Stephanie and those i didn't get to meet but had apart in Kairi's life thank you SO much you guys made it easier for us easy to explain to Kairi what was going on when we didn't have the words to explain you guys kept her focus on being a kid and taking on the burden of what was going on with Hannah. The job you women do take a  special type of people to do it and you are fit for the job without a doubt we will always keep in touch with you guys. For all the staff and Doctors theres so many of you guys i want thank you all who were apart of Hannah's life we were able to get this far because of you.

Our family thank you you made her going away day amazing it was great to look around and see all of you there with us we cried but mostly we laughed i am so happy about that i don't want Hannah's passing to be about mourning i want it to be a celebration of a little girl who fought from beginning to the end against all her odds she fought and she still came out a winner. I am so proud of you Hannah mommy and daddy love you so much you are forever in our hearts and i promise we will make you proud this isn't the end its the opposite it s just the beginning.... R.I.P Hannah Gabrielle Joseph. Sunrise 5/16/2012- Sunset 7/25/2012.

Genesis 28:15
Behold, I am with you and will keep you where ever you go,
and will bring you back to this land; for i will not leave you until
i have done what i have spoken to you.

TRYING TO LET GO AND LET GOD.....

Today we heard back from the surgeon he said its a no his reasons were reasonable the muscles in her heart are thick, while doing the VSD repair they stop the heart the surgeon is worried once he starts the heart the heart will pump stiffly which can eventually cause lung issues and make the heart weaker, he also feels it would not benefit her by doing the surgery.  I asked him what he suggested we do he suggested we let nature run its course..... as i walked back to Hannah's room i felt the same calmness i always feel when we get bad news or what we think is bad news for a second i felt tears forming as i looked at Hannah to think one day she wont be here, same time the nurse came in to change her sheets and asked would i like to hold her? ( i haven't held hannah since she went to columbia so for about a month) of course i want to hold my baby girl especially after talking to the doctor, i held her close to me took in her smell played with her hands and whispered god is in control of your life.

The doctor came in and asked what my plan was i told her i wanted to get Hannah off the by-pap back on her nasal cannula and home and that is the plan.  This Evening Hannah's cardiologist Dr. Kipel came in to talk to me he also had gottwn the news that the surgeon Dr. Malhotra decided not to do the surgery i love Dr. Kipel he  is an amazing cardiologist compassionate and always honest with us he spoke about what the surgeon had said and he heard about my plan to get Hannah home he expressed to me that he wanted to reach out to one more hospital and present Hannah's case to another surgeon as i'm listening to him i'm thinking i just accepted the fact that surgery wasn't happening..i was ok with that now he saying to talk to another surgeon 1. I don't want to get my hopes high 2. Is surgery the best idea for Hannah?  I want to try and give Hannah a fair chance at life but i don't want to lose my time with her i don't want to send her off to surgery and she doesn't make it at the same time i don't to bring her home and watch her slowly die... i don't know what to do, i can say i'm going to give it to god but that doesn't mean i wont still think about or wonder what's going to happen.  My oldest daughter's dad said something that's been sticking with me since he said it, he said "you cant do both its either you worry or you give it to god but you cant say you give it to god and then worry its doesn't work like that" it is so true but i don't know how to just give this to god, this is the biggest decision i'm sure i will ever have to make in my life and i want to make the best decision for Hannah *sighs* if only i knew what that was.

Tonight Kev and i are gonna sat talked about all out possibilities,fears,expectations.  I am so happy to have him by side going through this i'm sure i said this before and i'm going to say it again i couldn't see me going through with no one else but Kevin, when i'm being negativity he always remind me of the positive. Tomorrow we have a meeting with the attending doctors, cardiologist, and palliative care to figure what it is we should do, how can we get to a decision, what is best for Hannah, and should we entertain getting a third opinion. thank you all for the prayers they continue to give my family strength.

Romans 10:10(NKJV)
For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture said, whoever believes on him will not be put to shame. AMEN.

Christmas In July

So all weekend Kairi couldn't wait until monday (today) Hackensack University Hospital is having a Christmas in July party for the kids in the pediatric ward and the siblings (awwwww that is so nice) Kairi was too excited.  My baby girl came back with a ipod nano she told them thats what she wanted for christmas and they told santa, santa also bought something for leah a baby doll, kairi also made earrings, they drew a character picture of her.  I am happy for the child life support they are awesome they keep Kairi entertained while i tend to Hannah, those girls have so much patience and always joyful   special women they are. God bless the whole child life team.


Today was our appointment with the surgeon at Newark Beth Israel Hospital it went fairly well, he had a good spirit i know we found our surgeon its not final yet he said he needs to go over her records and review her echo video to see what the damage is and if there is anything that could cause complications and talk to his team to make sure majority is on board he said he will get back to us by the end of the week.  In the meantime Hannah is doing well besides the fever that keeps coming and going and some withdrawal from being off the fentanyl which they give her morphine or Ativan to help with the withdrawal she's doing good no de-sats so thats good.  It was a ok monday tonight i realized i lost sight of what is really important to me, i need to stick close to god and let him lead my life and stop trying to lead my own life i'm only gonna lead myself into self destruction.  I want to learn to mediate when i feel like i wanna go to a peaceful place just close my eyes and mediate thats what i need *whooo sa* *peace* thats what i need.  Tonights post is sort and sweet  i will keep you guys posted about the surgeon and of course about my Hannah Banna. Goodnight.

JUST ME AND MY THOUGHTS

My sister Onica, all of you know bert & Ernie, her son and my nephew Daniel, and my daughter Kairi.

OMG this is us with Elmo i love elmo!!! thats my Kevin <3

Family On Sesame street.

The weekend is over *sigh* i cant complain it was good, friday i stayed overnight  with Hannah it was a typical baby night she woke up every 3 hrs when she wanted to be changed and repositioned, sleep wasn't to bad i got some sleep, surprisingly i missed the middle of the night wake up cries (i say that now right?) i would hear her little faint voice squealing for help lol thankfully i don't sleep hard so it's not hard to hear her when she cries since she had no voice. Saturday morning i woke up bright and early took a shower, did my morning worship and got ready for Sesame Place. We arrived it was warm outside but not warm enough for the water rides i knew that but still went on the rides, at one point the sun came out and it was beaming but that didn't last to long lol. My little leah had a ball she went on her first ride i was so worried she would cry or decide she wants to get off in the middle of the ride but let me tell  you my girl was wheeee-ing and ooooh-ing the only time she cried when it was time to get off the ride lol. The only one she wasn't liking to much but didn't hate was the ride where it shoots you up and drops you and then back up again every time it went up she said wheeee but the coming down part she wasn't feeling lol i wasn't feeling it either but i didn't want to look like a punk on a kiddies ride so sucked it up lol.

Leah's first real ride she's the third one to the^^ left (yes someone is in that seat lol







Today Kevin's aunt and cousin (Hannah's god father) Junior, his fiancee Natasha and kids came to visit Hannah its always good to see family, after talking to is aunt the family feels its important for me to get Hannah blessed in catholic and some other  religion its called Baptism until tonight i didn't think i would do it until maybe after the surgery but after speaking to his aunt i will get it done before the surgery its important to me too, so much has been going on with Hannah that sadly it slipped my mind so thats next to be done.  Speaking of surgery tomorrow we go to speak to a surgeon about Hannah surgery from what we know he is willing to do the surgery but wants to speak to us about the risk and blah blah blah ( i'm sorry its not blah blah blah and maybe if i didn't know what god promises i would be worried but since i do i'm not worried) To me all the doctors want to talk about are "the risk" i get they want to warn us but i'm only on positive i don't register negative talk i give it to god and let him deal with it.  This evening in the Picu i listened to a mom screaming and crying asking God not to take her child it broke my heart i looked at Hannah and for a second my flesh spoke and said soon one day that will be me, at that exact moment god spoke and put this scriptures i read everyday in my heart and reminded me of his word Psalms 91:7 "A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; But it shall not come near you".  I smiled i thanked god for his words and for who he is in me, theres more to that scripture but this is what he put in my heart. 

I look around and think about so much, today Usher's ex-wife took her  11 year old son off life support after he was pronounced brain dead about a week ago from a jet ski accident, i read the story and thanked god for my life, for my family, for Hannah.  I had months to prepare for the worst i knew all the possibilities, how can you have your child for 11 years and just like that there gone with no warning, i think that is the worst feeling ever... you could never see that coming.  Life could always be worse some one out there has it worse then what we think we(humans) are going through, thats what helps me get through my hard times. I pray for the family and ask God to heal there broken hearts.  2 months i thank god for these past two months and i know theres more to come. Tomorrow i will post how the appointment with the surgeon went. god bless to all who reads this and goodnight.

2 months update

As usually i am behind on my blogging, Hannah turned 2 months on monday YAY!!! its such an amazing feeling to say she is 2 month old her dad and i went from counting seconds to minutes, then hours,days,weeks now i can say months my god is an amazing god even though there is still a lot of uncertainty i am sure Hannah will be fine and if not i am still thankful for the time he blessed us with her presence. Slowly her vent continues to get lowered and she's tolerating it well,  earlier today she was de-sating a lot but through our the day it got less and less.  Her fentanyl (sedation medication) continues to get lowered too, the doctors want her more awake so she can take more breathes, its been working she's breathing over the vent which is what they want to see and of course my favorite she's more alert looking around and smiling if you talk to her she turns to look at you with those big beautiful eyes (melts my heart every time). The past few days Kairi (my oldest) has been keeping me company at the hospital, yesterday she put Hannah to sleep singing to her she's a very good big sister i always knew she would be.

Kairi spending time with Hannah

Yesterday 7/18/2012 was an ok day, Hannah threw up a few times and kept gagging it made me nervous i was praying it wasn't the beginning of something new to deal with,  the nurse explained to me the gagging was due to them lowering her sedation medication now she's more alert and feels the tube irritating her throat causing her to gag but the vomiting she further explained could also be due to them lowering the fentanyl (sedation) which sometimes causes withdrawal  and makes people nauseous and throw up, she also could be throwing up because her stomach is either  too full with food or air from the vent so they put a tube in her nasal passage to remove any food or air in her stomach which seemed to help she hasn't thrown up since so thats good.

Hannah smiling for the camera she knew it was her last day on the vent

Today 7/19/2012 we got good news there gonna attempt to take the tube out, this morning they lowered her settings to the lowest support it gives she tolerated that perfectly yay!!! around noon they turned off the vent and gave cpap pressure to see how she would tolerate that again she took it well was breathing on her own at a good rate heart rate was perfect after about 30 minutes they put her back on the vent and said at 2pm they would again turn off the vent leave it off until 3pm if all her vital signs are stable (which they will be cause gods got this *winkzz*) they going to extubate her so i'm anxious and nervous i keep looking at the clock since they said 3pm and its only 2:20pm.  At 2:30 they started coming in to get everything ready the by-pap nasal set up, the intubation kit in case she didn't breath on her own (they wont be needing that) by 2:50pm she was extubated and breathing on her own with assistance of the by-pap.  I was praying the whole time glorifying  god for who he is and what he can do. Im so happy she is off the vent God is amazing and Hackensack is good . After a great afternoon i had to leave Hannah early today kevin had to go to class early he stayed home yesterday since i wanted to stay with Hannah last night, i didn't want to leave her i wanted to stay by her side :( but i had to go my other kiddies need me too.  When i left Hannah was sleeping peacefully.

a true fighter, Hannah off the vent and on a BY-PAP

Monday we have a meeting with a surgeon to see if he is willing to do the VSD repair for Hannah, honestly i'm not sure if i want it done right now i think she needs a break from the hospital, my goal is to get her back on a nasal cannula then home as long as the medication keeps working we keep watching and elevating her when we get to the point that medication isn't working anymore then we talk about surgery but lets see what this surgeon has to say talking doesn't hurt.  Thats the run down for the past few days gotta go call and check on my Hannah banna...